Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run

  1. DOORS:
    Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, or snow.
    If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no oriental rug, shag is good.
  3. GUESTS:
    Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you can arrange to have Friskies Fish 'N' Glop on your breath, so much the better. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats go to black wool clothing. For a guest who claims "I love kitties", be ready to be aloof with disdain, apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle. Always accompany guest to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything, just sit there and stare.
  4. WORK:
    If one of your humans is sewing or writing, and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping. Following are the rules for helping: When supervising cooking, sit just behind left heel of cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled. For book readers, get in close under chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
  5. PLAY:
    It is important. Get enough sleep in the daytime, so you are fresh for playing catch mouse or King-of-the-hill on their bed between 2 and 4 a.m.

Begin training early. You will then have a smooth running household. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.