Guidelines for Singing the Blues
- Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
- "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you
stick something nasty in the next line. "I got a good woman - with the
meanest dog in town."
- 3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line, repeat it. Then
find something that rhymes - sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest
dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weigh 500 pound."
- The blues are not about limitless choice.
- Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation
is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part
in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
- Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood
means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
- You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens.
Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a recession. Chicago,
St Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.
- The following colors do not belong in the blues:
- You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting
Good places for the blues:
- The Highway
- The Jailhouse
- The Empty Bed
- Gallery Openings
- Weekends In The Hamptons
- Wine-tastings in Napa
- The Santa Fe Opera
- No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you
happen to be an old black man.
- Do you have a right to sing the blues?
- Your first name is a southern state - like Georgia
- You're blind
- You shot a man in Memphis
- You can't be satisfied
- You were once blind but now can see.
- You're deaf.
- You have a trust fund or 401K.
- Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand may sing the blues.
- If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
Other blues beverages are:
- Cheap Wine
- Muddy Water
Blues beverages are NOT:
- Any mixed drink
- Any kosher wine for Passover
- Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
- If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is
the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in a
hospital emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die during rhinoplasty,
a lipo-suction treatment, or while receiving dental implants.
- Some blues names for women:
- Big Mama
- Some blues names for men:
- Little Willie
(Persons with names like Sequoia or Sierra will not be permitted to
sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.)
- Anyone with the name of physical infirmity (Old blind Joe, Gimpy
- Anyone with last name of a president (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore,