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Disclaimer: If I ever claimed to have ever owned or created the Power
Rangers, someone must've slipped my acid and I went out of my mind (or
maybe I gained some sanity. It is so hard to tell at times.). If I ever
did it and can't remember I rebuke my muse and colleagues and will never
listen to them again when they say that those little white things are
crackers. let me know when everyone's had enough of my making a joke
of the disclaimer in every fic!
Authors' Notes: I was tired of the bleak dreary stuff once more,
so I decided to take a break. Although this is in script format, it is
better than most because it is done is the more "formal" style. I wasn't
going to do it this way, but I wanted to practice writing a real script.
Not to mention since it would be almost all dialogue in the first place
I figured this was the way to go. Don't take this as being offensive for
crying out loud... it is a parody and supposed to use lame humor to get
a measly laugh or two. All gripes and flames about me not holding any
wholesome Christian values go to this addy: unefemme_2001@yahoo.com
(the one I never seem check... ever.) If you actually have constructive
comments, or might perchance like this send it to unefemme@onebox.com
(Just hope it isn't backed up with other people's fics)
Distribution: This version anywhere... Just drop a line and heck,
I'll give you the HTML. If I ever make an unedited version though it stays
on my site.
Rating: PG-13. Language and crude humor as with all parody fics.
(TOMMY is standing in the Command Center speaking with ZORDON. Adam is leaning against one of the consoles in the Command Center reading a book of Shakespearian plays. Alpha is recharging the room along the wall to the left of ZORDON'S tube.)
(TOMMY turns away from ZORDON and faces ADAM with a perplexed look on his face.)
TOMMY: Um, wait one moment what is my color again?
(ADAM places his book down on top of the console with the pages open and looks at TOMMY with a look of disbelief at the question.)
ADAM: (nonchalantly) White, but don't worry you'll change color yet again in another week.
TOMMY: (dumbfounded) Really?
(ADAM sighs at the response and places his head in his hands.)
ADAM: (frustrated) Yeah. Kat said she thought you would be really hot in either purple or orange so Zordon is working on it now.
(TOMMY gasps and quickly turns his attention toward ZORDON. ZORDON has a very embarrassed look on his face, the tube's color turning slightly redder than it's normal blue color.)
TOMMY: (whining) ZORDON!!!
(ZORDON regains his composure and pretends as though he knows absolutely nothing and did not hear that conversation.)
ZORDON: (wincing) what seems to be the problem this time? Lost your powers?
(TOMMY ponders for about a minute. He has forgotten what his complaint was about.)
TOMMY: No
(ZORDON thinks for a moment)
ZORDON: Wait a moment, last battle you weren't center of attention. If my memory isn't completely gone from being in this tube, Rocky was the one who destroyed the last monster. You were under an evil spell.
(TOMMY remembers what his complaint was and quickly answers this time.)
TOMMY: (casually) Well, that has been bothering me, Rocky defeating the monster and all, I'm kinda used to the evil spell thing by now. But that isn't my problem.
(ZORDON thinks longer this time.)
ZORDON: I suppose this involves Katherine in some way.
(TOMMY looks at ZORDON amazed.)
TOMMY: Hey, Zordon how'd you know that.
(ADAM tries to suppress his snickering.)
ADAM:(under his breath) I think the condom Billy found on the console last month led us on.
(TOMMY gazes at ADAM, very displeased. TOMMY then quickly turns toward ZORDON once more.)
TOMMY: Come on, Zordon. Kat doesn't need to pick my color. I like white.
ZORDON: I am sorry but she blackmailed me. She is in complete control of the powers. Everyone's powers are going to change along with color.
TOMMY: (grimacing) What color did she pick out for me?
ZORDON: Orange
(ADAM can't hold back his snickering anymore and TOMMY hears it from across the room. TOMMY finds AISHA'S helmet and throws it at ADAM. ADAM ducks and it lands into a console. Sparks begin to fly from the now damaged console.)
TOMMY: Pain in the ass. I didn't choose you to be on this team.
(ADAM ignores TOMMY, picks up his book from the console and begins to read it again.)
ADAM: (curiously) What color did she pick out for me?
ZORDON: Purple.
(ADAM becomes furious and paces the floor several times before replying. When ADAM stops pacing he walks over to TOMMY and points toward his face.)
ADAM: Tommy, your girlfriend is going to either be killed or we are going to teleport her to the desert in western Austra...
(look of enlightenment overcomes ADAM. He goes over to the communication console and calls for the rangers except KAT)
ADAM: Get here right away we got a problem.
(ZORDON begins to protest.)
ZORDON: Hey only Alpha and I are allowed...
ADAM: I don't care. Kat gotta go. I don't even want to know what she dug up on you but I'll be damned if we're going to let her redo everything!
(ROCKY, BILLY, And AISHA teleport in. ROCKY is wearing a red vest over a white shirt with outrageous looking, fire hydrant red jeans with white shoes. He also has a red collar around his neck. AISHA is wearing a bright yellow sweatshirt with a black skirt that comes down to the knees along with black and yellow sneakers. BILLY is wearing a royal blue shirt with khakis and black sneakers.)
ROCKY: Okay cool, Adam's actually mad at something.
(AISHA pulls out a leash and swings in in her left hand in front of ROCKY'S face.)
AISHA:(growling) What did I tell you about speaking when you're not supposed to?
(ROCKY puts his hands up defensively and gives an exaggerated pout.)
ROCKY: Sorry I'll be good.
(AISHA slaps her own forehead)
AISHA: There you went again. It's for your own good until you find something intelligent to say.
(AISHA slips the leash on ROCKY'S collar that has been
permanently made a part of his wardrobe after the episode "Rocky Just
Wants To Have Fun".)
(BILLY sees the broken console and looks in shock at everyone in the room, concentrating on TOMMY)
BILLY: (loudly) Jeezus, who did that.
ADAM: Do you really need to ask?
TOMMY: (defensively) Hey, you were laughing.
ADAM: I can't help that you are indeed a complete idiot. You forgot which color you were for crying out loud!
TOMMY: Like you never forgot anything in your life.
BILLY: (still loud) Knock it off. What's the emergency.
TOMMY: Kat wants to be in charge of everything.
ADAM: How about Zordon explain the new colors and zords to you and then you'll see the problem.
ALL: HUH?
ZORDON: (with a very melancholy tone ): For reasons I cannot explain Katherine has been given full authority to create new powers, and zords. In effect all of your colors will change.
ZORDON:Tommy will be Aussi Ranger 1, Orange. Your zord will be, well... a big round orange complete with citrus air freshener.
(ALL RANGERS laugh hysterically.)
ZORDON: Kat will be Aussi Ranger 2, Blue
(BILLY gives a vindictive look)
ZORDON:And her zord will be the whale.
ZORDON: Billy will be Aussi ranger 3, Brown Your zord will be... I'm not sure what her slang term for it was... the "turd zord" or something like that.
(BILLY turns a deep shade of red. He kicks the broken console and yelps as he gets a mild shock.)
ZORDON:Adam will be Aussi Ranger 4, Purple your zord will be the newt if I heard her right. Don't they have to be in water or something most of the time? Oh well, can't deal with it now.
ZORDON:Aisha will be Aussi Ranger 5, Aqua and you will pilot the hummingbird zord. I will warn you now that you might be a little cramped for space judging from the blueprints.
ZORDON: Rocky will be Aussi Ranger 6, Magenta and you will have the flamingo zord. Good luck getting it to stand. We've had that problem in test runs.
(ALL RANGERS begin protesting at the same time. Each looks
shocked. Everyone is yelling, trying to be heard over everyone else.)
BILLY: Wait a minute I'm supposed to be blue.
TOMMY: Do any of these zords actually do ANYTHING?
AISHA: Go ask her, she's your girl.
BILLY: I can hardly believe that I have been degraded in such a fashion
ROCKY: What color is magenta?
ADAM: It's a shade of pink.
AISHA: Why Aqua? Come on why can't I stay yellow?
ROCKY: Wait a minute, I'm not gay!
ADAM: Billy... do you think we have a hope of getting these zords to function?
BILLY:(a mocking laugh) We have a zord that is shaped like a pile of feces, do you want it to work at all?
ADAM: Good point.
AISHA: But if we get attacked.
BILLY: Basically we become inanimate objects ourselves.
ADAM: We can get rid of her! I have an idea.
(nobody listens to ADAM.)
TOMMY: Well we could deal...
BILLY: Why can't I be blue?
(BILLY falls to the floor and begins to throw a tantrum)
ADAM: (slightly louder than before) She gotta go... I know how.
(again everyone else ignores ADAM and continues with their complaints.)
AISHA: Get her little ass right here so I can show her how to actually get an ass kicking.
ZORDON: please do not resort to violence. (mutters) Oh well, I tried. Can't get fined at least by the Giant Head.
(ADAM whispers into BILLY'S ear while he is still on the floor. Once ADAM is finished speaking BILLY stands again.)
BILLY: That could work.
ROCKY:(crying) But I SWEAR I am not gay!
AISHA: Shut up you!
(AISHA pulls on ROCKY'S leash as hard as she can, causing him to gag.)
BILLY:(screaming at top of lungs) SHUT UP EVERYBODY! I HAVE A PLAN!
(Of course everyone listens to BILLY this time. ADAM is slightly upset at this.)
ADAM: Excuse me, who's idea?
(BILLY comes closer to ADAM so he won't be heard by the other rangers.)
BILLY:(whispering) Come on, we all know that I am the intellectual who formulates every good plan in existence. If you didn't come up with it, I would've within moments.
ADAM: (defeated) Oh, yeah. (under his breath) Whatever.
(KAT teleports in, looking innocent as could be. AISHA rushes her and begins beating the mess out of her. Nobody bothers trying to break them up.)
KAT: TOMMY! HELP ME!
ROCKY:(to TOMMY) You help her you die man.
BILLY: We are going to dump her in the desert region of Australia.
(TOMMY looks upset and kicks the broken console, forgetting about the shock BILLY got before. TOMMY yelps and begins to argue.)
TOMMY:(whining) But.... my contract says I'll always have a girlfriend!
ADAM: Don't worry. We can always find a ditz to be the next girlfriend for you.
TOMMY: Still, she is really good.
(BILLY goes over to teleportation console and teleports KAT away.)
ALL EXCEPT TOMMY: Whoo Hoo
(ADAM walks over to ZORDON'S tube.)
ADAM: Zordon?
ZORDON: What is it Adam?
ADAM: Next pink ranger that comes along will go through a full background check before you appoint her.
(ROCKY is confused by this, thinking he is still the magenta ranger)
ROCKY: Huh? Background check? Why? And I am NOT a she!
(AISHA grimaces and slaps ROCKY in the head.)
AISHA: No, you are still red. We stopped the bad guys from making us go through that humiliation
BILLY: Yes, but who's to say who will come next? It could be anyone.
AISHA: You mean the next girl Tommy drools over.
(ALL laugh except TOMMY)
TOMMY: Hey, that's not funny. I hate being single.
OTHERS: Welcome to the club!
(scene changes to desert region. It is completely abandoned except for KAT brooding on a rock. KAT is sweating profusely and has a bad sunburn over most of her body. A lizard crawls by her foot and she promptly smashes it with her foot.)
KAT: (in an evil tone) So, you thought I was going to be good now and help you. You let me in. You still were smart enough to lead on to the ploy. Oh well I will return and Tommy cannot resist me. I'll be back before anyone knows it. Damn, I really need some water though.
(scene switches to Angel Grove Juice Bar. The teens are sitting at their usual table, in between the exercise mats and the bar. The order is TOMMY, BILLY, AISHA, ADAM, and ROCKY clockwise from the back of the room. TOMMY notices a girl who looks exactly like Brittney Spears and begins ogling her.)
TOMMY: Wow, she's hot.
ADAM: NO! Down boy.
TOMMY: Well we need a pink ranger.
(the GIRL in question is beautiful, but skinny as a twig and has no sense of coordination. As if on cue BULK and SKULL fall into the GIRL'S table, dumping a cake, some french-fries, a hamburger, and ice cream on her)
GIRL: (cries) Assholes! Do you know how much these designer clothes cost? God!
(GIRL tries to punch BULK in the stomach. She only hurts her wrist from punching wrong)
GIRL: OWW!
(TOMMY jumps from her seat and races over to her.)
TOMMY: Leave her alone!
(BULK and SKULL leave and begin pestering Ernie)
TOMMY: You okay?
GIRL: NO! How could I be? I love this outfit.
TOMMY: I bet I could make it better.
GIRL: How?
TOMMY: How would you like to be the new pink ranger?
GIRL:(excitedly) ME THE PINK RANGER!!! YES I LOVE YOU!!
(GIRL begins hopping around the juice bar announcing it to everyone in sight.)
BILLY: I suppose I have to get the brainwash machine out again!
ADAM: Yep.
BILLY: Would you mind killing Tommy for me?
ADAM: What do I get.
(BILLY thinks for a few seconds before answering.)
BILLY: Well, you and me can be co-leaders. And you get to pick a replacement within reason.
ADAM: I am not as pathetic as Tommy boy there. You aren't taking advantage. You better toss in 75 bucks and give me the patents for all the ideas you stole from me.
(BILLY considers the demands made by ADAM. BILLY groans slightly.)
BILLY: All six? You got a deal. But, to even things out could you get a choice of who you kill. Bulk, Skull, Rocky or that ditz.
ADAM: I'm up for it. I'll take that little Brittney Spears ditz. If Rocky weren't my best friend, I would replace him as well.
BILLY: I know bonds are a pain at times.
ROCKY: I'm not that stupid! I know you guys were talking about me!
(AISHA once again pulls on ROCKY'S leash.)
AISHA: Keep quiet. I have to look like I like all you morons. For that damned 'good citizen' scholarship.
(ALL laugh)
ROCKY: What's so funny? I can't help that the writers made me stupid!
BILLY: We, know. we know.
AISHA: You're still important.
ADAM: Yeah, never know when we need to kill a monster by getting it to laugh to death!
(ALL laugh. Screen fades to black.)