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Disclaimer: Power Rangers are owned by Saban, King of Spandex. Let me just go ahead and apologize in advance for this one. I got the idea for this fic after watching "Tonya vs. Nancy," perhaps better known as "When Ice Skaters Attack." Some cursing, lots of hurt feelings, it's a JRL spoof. You should have learned to expect this by now.
"Huh?"
"Remember when he got hit on the soccer field with that crowbar at the same time you wanted to be team captain and he was your only competition? Well, I heard you were that one that had him hit with that crowbar."
"He wasn't hit with a crowbar," Carlos said. "I tripped him. I mean, I MEAN, I pretended to trip him. NO! I mean, I mean, I mean, he tripped over his own feet! Yeah! That's it! He tripped over his own feet!"
"I gotta go," Ashley said, running off.
Carlos looked after her, his dark eyes narrowed. He reached into his jacket and pulled out a cellular phone. He dialed a quick number and then said, "I have a new one for you. Ashley Hammond."
~*~
"What really blows?" Ashley asked.
"Haim Saban just wrote me a letter," Cassie said. "Apparently, people have stopped watching the show when they saw that an Asian-American was wearing pink and the Caucasian wearing yellow. They don't know how to tell they they're watching Power Rangers anymore. I'm the Yellow Ranger now, and you are Pink. By the way, you have to change your name to Kashley Hammond now, and I'm Assie."
Suddenly, a man in a black coat ran by Kashley and hit her with a crowbar. "NOOO!!!" Kashley screamed, falling to her knees. "NOOO!!! WHY ME?!!! WHY ME?!!!"
"Can we switch wardrobes?" Assie asked.
~*~
"No," Carlos said. "By the way, you look good in yellow, Assie."
"Thanks Carlos," Assie said. "What happened to your accent?"
"Haim Saban made me lose it," Carlos said in a plain white-bred monotone.
"Hey, did you hear about him getting attacked by that guy with a crowbar?" Assie asked.
"No," Carlos said warily. "What have you heard?"
"I heard that he was attacked by that guy with a crowbar," Assie said. "Gotta go."
~*~
"I got a letter from Haim Saban," Justin explained. "From this point on, all Blue Rangers are to have crushes on Yellow Rangers."
"Boy, TJ's gonna be really pissed when we have to use GingaMan footage," Assie said.
"Why's that?" Justin asked.
"Yellow GingaMan is a guy. Hell, I'll be happy to leave. Those damn costumes remind me of Charlie Brown."
"Oh. What do you mean TJ is gonna be pissed? I'll still be here," Justin said. Suddenly, a man in a black coat ran by and clubbed Justin and Assie both in the knees with a crowbar.
~*~
"Fine," Carlos grumbled. "What are you doing to my car?"
"You are not parked correctly, Carlos," Blue Senturion said. "By the way, how did you afford this convertible?"
Carlos walked away, grumbling to himself. A few moments later, a man in a black coat ran by and clubbed Blue Senturion in the kneecaps with a crowbar.
~*~
"Carlos, please report to the Power Chamber," Alpha said nervously. Carlos reluctantly teleported away in a streak of green. On arriving at the Power Chamber, he saw that TJ was the only Ranger who didn't have his leg bandaged.
"Carlos, we are concerned with the fact that you are having your fellow Rangers clubbed," Dimitria said nervously.
"Me?" Carlos laughed, feigning ignorance. "I'm not the guy in the black coat."
"How did you know he wears a black coat?" Kashley asked, raising her eyebrows.
"All right!" Carlos cried. "I confess! I hired the man in the black coat!"
"Who was the man in the black coat?" Justin asked.
"Me," the man in the black coat announced. He stepped up behind Justin and clubbed him again, knocking the young Ranger unconscious. "Saban wrote me a letter, saying that the kid Ranger thing didn't work out. So he brought me back."
"Billy?!" Kashley and Assie cried in shock.
"Do I know you?" Billy asked as he discarded his black coat. He took Justin's morphers and said, "So, uhm... anything interesting happening?" He twirled his crowbar, looking about the group of Rangers with a mean glint in his eyes.
"Welcome to the team, Billy," Dimitria said, laughing nervously.
"Now if you'll excuse me," Billy said, taking his shirt off, "I have some obligations from my first season contract I never fulfilled." He pulled a sheet of paper from his back pocket and marked off the first item on the list. 'Take off shirt for female viewers.'
Looking at TJ and Carlos, he said, "One of us is going to have to shave our armpits. You know, it makes us look younger, and it worked for Rocky and Adam."
"I shaved my head," TJ said. "If I shave my armpits, people will talk."
Billy spun the crowbar and looked over at Carlos. "Dammit," Carlos complained as he stormed off. Alpha handed him a Lady Razor on the way out.
"And get rid of those sideburns!" Billy shouted. "That was my gimmick!" He then looked to the third item on the list. "Aw dammit."
"What's the problem, Billy?" Kashley asked, stepping over the prone form of Justin.
"I must regretfully revert to my usage of a greatly expanded vocabulary, in an effort to have a profundity far beyond my years. Would one of your female Rangers perchance have the mental capacity to translate my overuse of the English language?"
"Uh huh huh," Assie stammered. "He said perchance."