Disclaimer and Notes: I own absolutely nothing in here. The Power Rangers belong to Saban, and all Star Wars references belong to George Lucas. For the record, PLEASE don't take this fic seriously! I mean no harm, I swear! It's a spoof! A spoof! Oh, and part of it near the end was influenced by a conversation with Willow Blessing.

The True Phantom Annoyance
by Jeremy Ray Logsdon

"Why is it called Star Wars?" the Morphed Phantom Ranger asked.

"'Cause it took place in space, I guess," Cassie answered, looking at the line that stretched all the way around the block.

"If that is the only reason, then a better title would be Dark Matter Wars," Phantom Ranger told her. "There's far more Dark Matter out there than stars."

"Blame George Lucas," Cassie said. "I should warn you, though... Out of all of my friends, I'm the only one that isn't totally hooked on these movies. You're gonna see some pretty frightening behavior in there... Blank eyes, chin drool, and an intense desire to buy Star Wars memorabilia."

"Your friends are Power Rangers," Phantom said. "They surely won't be brain-washed by a movie."

"Oh man, this is so totally cool!" Carlos shouted, running up to Cassie and Phantom in his homemade Boba Fett costume. "I can't believe, just because we're Power Rangers and saved the planet, that they're actually letting us in to see the The Phantom Menace on opening night!"

The remaining Space Rangers, and Karone, were along soon after. Even the Kerovans, who had just seen the first Star Wars trilogy over the past few weeks, possessed that glassy-eyed and excited look in one expression. Cassie shuddered and turned away. "You know what, I think I'm going to see if they'll let me see The Mummy instead," she remarked.

"No, Cassie!" her friends all shouted at once.

"You have to see Star Wars with us!" Ashley goaded. "It won't be the same without you!"

"All right," Cassie relented. "I'll watch it."

"Power Rangers, we're gonna let you be seated now," the ten-year old girl who sold tickets said. As they marched into the lobby to meet the ninety year old man who would tear their ticket and point them to the right theater, a blonde man tried to jump at them, screaming obscenities.

"Easy, Billy," his female fish companion said. "We'll get in, I'm sure of it."

"So, what did you think?" Carlos asked, looking at his friends as they left the theater.

"It was good," Cassie said simply as her friends started their raves.

"Just good?" Phantom Ranger asked in disbelief. "I- I can't believe you just said that."

"What? It was a good movie," Cassie repeated. "That one chick had the coolest hair."

"It was way better than just GOOD!" Phantom shouted, jumping to his feet. "That was the best movie, ever! I... I can't look at you right now." He stomped off in a huff.

"Well, it's begun," Cassie sighed

Exactly Two Months Later
"How many times have you seen the new Star Wars movie?" the Taco Bell clerk asked Cassie, the take-out order still in her hands.

"Oh, just once," Cassie said with a smile, handing the clerk a five dollar bill.

"Just once?" the clerk snarled, yanking the bag back. "Get out."

"Huh?"

"Get OUT!" she screeched. "Get out, get out, get out!"

"All right, I'm going!" she yelled back, hurrying out of the restaurant.

She stopped on the sidewalk, shaking her head in disbelief. "I can't believe this," she sighed. It had happened to her again. She couldn't get waited on anywhere. She had even tried lying, but no one would serve her. KFC, Pizza Hut, and Taco Bell were the worst. The others would at least believe her lies. But Star Wars official restaurant sponsors never believed her when she said she had seen the movie dozens of times. She had, after all, only seen it once, on opening night.

Worst yet, she seemed to be the only one who noticed what all was happening. Phantom had yet to talk to her, and her friends were barely responsive. They all spent too much time waiting in lines to see the new Star Wars movie to even talk to her.

Theaters were popping up everywhere. Star Wars was the only movie playing anywhere. Anyone who wanted to see the new Star Wars movie could. Most frightening was the fact that ticket prices were lower. One could see the Star Wars movie three times in one night for a quarter. The theaters, though, were making the money back with the popcorn. A small popcorn cost nearly twenty-five dollars. Children reported missing were found weeks later, living in the theaters and surviving from gunk picked off of the sticky theater floor.

It hadn't taken her long to figure out what had happened. And it was time to pay Mr. Lucas a visit.

"All right!" Cassie yelled, bursting into Skywalker Light and Sound, fully morphed with her AstroBlaster unholstered. A bemused George Lucas, (who Cassie realized did indeed bear a passing resemblance to an Ewok), was sitting behind a desk, playing with a Darth Vader figure. "What have you done?"

"Ah, Miss Chan!" Mr. Lucas cried happily. He picked up a very thin folder from his desk and removed one of the two sheets in it. She saw her name on it as he crumpled it up. "We've been wondering when you would come about. Just accept it! Star Wars is the new way!"

"We? Who's we?" she asked, sweeping her Blaster across the room.

"Me, that's who," a nerdy voice turned. A maniacal, girlish laughter followed. She turned to see Bill Gates sitting in a desk at the other end of the room.

"Oh dear God!" Cassie shrieked, pointing her Blaster from Lucas to Gates. "I should've known you would be behind this!"

"We all work together, now," Lucas told her. Gates laughed his maniacal, girlish laugh again.

"There's more of you?" Cassie asked.

A column of red flame rose up in the center of the room, producing...

"Satan!" Cassie screamed. "Oh no! You're both working for Satan!"

"Not quite," the devil said. "Mr. Gates bought me from the Baptists." Yet another maniacal, girlish laugh from Bill Gates followed.

"Beelzebub and myself work for Mr. Gates, in other words," George Lucas clarified.

"Accept the mark of the beast, Cassie," Satan sighed, holding an unlimited pass to The Phantom Menace in his hands.

"Not a chance," Cassie snarled. "Now tell me what it is you have planned!"

"Well, we've successfully brainwashed the planet," Bill Gates started, "so that no one will notice when we build our own Death Star. Then, I'm going to make all computer users switch to Windows98, or be destroyed!" There was another maniacal, girlish laugh. "I've also bought Christmas, so only Windows98 users can celebrate the holidays!"

"You're the last one, Cassie," George Lucas said.

"Join us," Satan said. "Resistance is futile."

Cassie looked at the desk, and then flipped across the room. She snatched the folder up and pulled the only sheet of paper from it. Lucas and Satan bolted for her, but Gates put a hand up, bidding them to stop. "I knew I couldn't be the only one!" she shouted. "According to this, there's a guy in rural Kentucky who's going to wait for the movie to come out on videotape! I'm going to go meet him, and together, we'll save the world! From... from Macintosh... Gee, it seems like an awful lot of effort just to save the iMac, now that I think about it."

"It really is," Lucas agreed.

"I think they're cute," Lucifer giggled.

"No! I'm going to do it anyway!" Cassie shouted. "People deserve the right to have freedom of choice in their computers' operating system!" She disappeared in a flash of pink light.

"So sad," Satan sighed, disappearing in a poof of fire.

"I have a plan!" Gates cried. "Find out that boy's friends, on the internet and in the real world! Build a time machine, and go back in time to make sure each and every one of them is completely and utterly addicted to Star Wars BEFORE this new movie comes out! That way, he'll crack long before The Phantom Menace ever comes out!"

"At once, Mr. Gates," George Lucas said.

Maniacal, girlish laughter echoed through the hallways of Skywalker Light and Sound.

End

Author's Note: I really am going to wait for it to come out on videotape.