Really Want
by Jeremy Ray Logsdon

"Yes, as I had suspected, Billy," Zordon rumbled.

"There are only five pieces of the Zeo Crystal, and, well... right now, I don't have one."

"I'll step down, Billy," Tanya said nobly. "You have more experience."

"Damn right you will," Billy told her.

"Excuse me?" Tanya asked, lifting her eyebrows. "I was just being noble because I didn't think you'd take the offer. Aisha gave me the crystal, and I ain't leaving."

"She does have a point, Billy," Alpha said. "You wouldn't have taken the crystal from Aisha."

"Of course not," Billy agreed. "If Aisha had come back, I would have taken Kat's crystal."

"Hey!" Kat cried.

"All right, all right," Tanya griped. "I'll make you a deal. We'll have a contest for the crystal, and whoever gets it, gets it guilt-free. Deal?"

Billy eyed her up and down, and once satisfied that even he could take her in a fight provided she should win the contest, said, "Agreed. Paper-rock-scissors?"

"One, two, three, shoot!" Tanya cried. Both had their fists curled in a rock. "One, two, three, shoot!" she cried again. This time, she formed a sheet of paper as Billy made a pair of scissors.

"Ah ha!" Billy laughed. "I won, I won! Nice knowing you, Tanya."

"But-," Tanya stammered, looking around her in disbelief.

"Don't worry," Adam said. "I can make you feel better later." As Tanya walked by, she slapped Adam and continued on her walk out of the Power Chamber.

"We're half a mile underground," Zordon said as she walked out of the main doors. "The ladder is to your left!"

"Okay, but there's still one little problem," Billy said.

"What's that?" Billy asked.

"This dumb-ass crystal is glowing yellow," Billy said. "I ain't wearing yellow. What other colors ya'll got?"

Rocky said nothing as he slipped his crystal shard behind his back. "Rocky has blue!" Katherine tattled, pointing a finger at the guilty Ranger.

"Give it back, Rocky!" Billy threatened.

"No way!" Rocky cried, backing away from Billy.

"Dammit Rocky, give me your blue crystal!"

"No way!" Rocky protested.

Billy, screaming like a banshee, picked Rocky up over his head and hurled him into a darkened corner of the Power Chamber. When he did so, lights lit up, revealing a set of columns in which the old Ranger suits were stored.

"Dammit Billy, you're stealing my thunder!" Zordon protested. "Rocky, give Billy the damn crystal! Billy, stop picking on the black belts!"

"Yes sir," Rocky complained as he gave Billy the blue crystal and took the yellow one.

"Uhm, Zordon," Adam said. "I just had a bad thought. We don't have any black people."

"Uh oh," Alpha agreed.

"You're right," Zordon said, nodding. "Adam, you're out. Alpha, teleport Tanya back down here."

Adam burst into tears as he set his green crystal down on the table before them and began to walk away.

"We also need an Asian Ranger," Katherine remarked.

"Hmmm," Zordon said. Adam turned around hopefully, only to be knocked down as a screeching for joy Tanya ran past him and shoved him aside. "Okay Kat, you're out with Frogger over there. Alpha, get Trini back here."

"YES!!!" Billy shouted, throwing his hands up in the air happily.

"But we don't need two geeks," Tommy said. "And I prefer Trini over Billy."

"Me too," Zordon said. "Billy, you're out."

"Ha ha!" Rocky taunted as he reclaimed the blue crystal.

"Nope," Zordon told him. "You're gone too, Monkey Boy. If we gotta have a jokester on the team, let's get Zack in here. At least he didn't get on my last nerve."

Frowning, Rocky tossed his crystal on the table. Only Tanya and Tommy stood before Zordon.

"Tommy, don't you think it's time you got a haircut?" Zordon asked.

"No," Tommy said warily.

"Get the hell out," Zordon said. "You look like a damn woman."

Just as Tommy burst into tears, Alpha teleported him to his uncle's cabin in the mountains. "I don't like your hair either," Zordon said to Tanya.

"I'll change it!" Tanya cried. "I'll change it as soon as I leave here! I'll change it every day if you want me too!"

"Well I sure enough don't want somebody who changes their looks so often they look like a different person every time I see them," Zordon said. "You're out."

"Way to go, Zordon," Katherine said from the back of the room where the rejected Rangers had gathered. "You've alienated the entire team."

"Aw hell," Zordon griped. "I'm tired of these teenagers. Alpha, teleport me five... hmmm, I've got an idea."

~*~

"Rangers, I'd like you to meet the new Zeo Team," Zordon said. "This is the Pink Baby Ranger." She hobbled forward on her tiptoes, with her arms at her sides. The soles of her boots were at least six inches thick. "This is Yellow Sporty Ranger." Upon being announced, she punched the air before her and did a high kick. "Blue Posh Ranger." She walked forward in an elegant gait, a rather surprising feat as her boots had eight inch stilletto heels. "This is Green Ginger Ranger." As Green Ranger sashayed into the foreground, she put her hands on her chest and readjusted her breasts.

"Oh yeah, I forget. Armor doesn't let you have cleavage," Green Ginger Ranger said thoughtfully.

"And last but not least, Red Scary Ranger."

"We're your replacements, bay-bee," Red Scary Ranger said in a thick exaggerated British accent, leaning forward at the waist to taunt the old Rangers.

Groaning amongst themselves, the old Rangers began to leave, as the new Rangers sang, "I tell you what I want, what I really, really, want..."

"Zordon, am I too late?" LeAnn Rimes asked as she ran into the Power Chamber.

"Uhm...," Zordon said, "you come back when Gold Ranger shows up. Oh, and tell Lila McCann and Shania Twain we won't be needing them until next season."

"I thought I was going to be blue," LeAnn said dejectedly as she slowly walked away.

End