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Letters To Santa
Barbie's Letter to Santa:
Dear Santa,
Listen you fat troll, I've been saving your ass every year being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in December and dressing in fake Chanel at sappy tea parties. I hate to break it to ya Santa, but it's payback time. There had better be some changes around here or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown, and trust me, you don't wanna be around to smell it.
These are my demands for Christmas 1999:
- Sweat pants and an oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker in hot pink bikinis. Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt? I don't suppose you do.
- A REAL man...I don't care if you have to go to Hasbro to get him, bring me GI JOE! Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me-Elmo over that pathetic excuse for a boytoy, Ken. And what was up with that earring anyway? HELLO!?!
- It's about time you made us all anatomically correct. Give me arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.
- Breast REDUCTION surgery. Enough said!!
- A jogging-bra to wear until I get the surgery.
- A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS" Barbie. Complete with a pint of cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips.
- Mattel stock options. It's been 40 years and I think I deserve a piece of the action. Considering my valuable contribution to society and Mattel, I think these demands are reasonable. If you don't like it, you can find yourself a new bitch for next Christmas. It's that simple!
As ever,
Barbie
Ken's Letter to Santa:
Dear Santa,
It has come to my attention that one of my colleagues has petitioned you for changes in her contract, Specifically, asking for anatomical and career changes. In addition, it is my understanding that disparaging remarks were made about me, my sexuality, and some of my fashion choices.
I would like to take the opportunity to inform you of issues concerning Ms. Barbie, as well as, some of my own needs and desires. First, I along with several of my colleagues, feel Ms. Barbie DOES NOT deserve the preferential treatment she has received over the years. That bitch has everything! Neither I, nor Joe, Jem, nor the Raggedys, Ann & Andy, have dreamhouses, Corvettes, dune buggies, evening gowns, and some of us do not even have the ability to change our hairstyle. I have had a limited wardrobe, obviously designed to compliment but never to upstage Ms. Barbie.
My decision to accessorize with an earring was immediately squashed, which I protest, for it was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice. I would like a change in my career to further explore my creative nature. Some options which could be considered are "Decorator Ken", "Beauty Salon Ken", or "Broadway Ken". Other avenues which could be considered are: Go-Go Ken, Impersonator Ken (with wigs and gowns) West Hollywood Ken. These would more accurately reflect my interests and I believe open up markets that have been underserved.
As for Ms. Barbie, needing bendable arms so she can "push me away", I need bendable knees so I can kick the bitch to the curb. Bendable knees would also be helpful in other situations of which you are aware. In closing, further concessions to the Blonde Bimbo from Hell, while the needs of others within my coalition are ignored, will result in legal action to be taken by myself and others.
And kindly tell Ms. Barbie she can forget about GI JOE...he's mine, at least that's what he said last night!
Sincerely,
Ken