Stuff to Ponder....
the Next Time You're in a Stress Mode!

1. After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
2. How can there be self-help "groups"?
3. If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
4. If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
5. If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
6. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
7. If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
8. Is there another word for synonym?
9. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
10. When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
11. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
13. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
14. Why do they report power outages on TV?
15. Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
16. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
17. Did you hear about the blind man who picked up a hammer and saw?
18. If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
19. If quiters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
20. Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
21. Is it possible to be totally partial?
22. What's another word for thesaurus?
23. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
24. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
25. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
26. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
27. If the funeral procession is at night, do you drive with your lights off?
28. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
29. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
30. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
31. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
32. When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
33. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
34. Why do they have braille buttons on the drive-up ATM machines?
35. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
36. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
37. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
38. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
39. What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
40. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
41. When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
42. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
43. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
44. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
45. Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
46. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
47. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
48. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
49. Why do they call it a TV set when you get only one?
50. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
51. If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
52. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
53. If a turtle loses it's shell... is it naked, or homeless?
54. What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
55. What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?
56. If a tin whistle is made out of tin... and it is... exactly what is a fog horn made out of?
57. Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
58. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
59. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
60. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
61. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
62. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
63. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
64. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
65. Why do they report power outages on TV? If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?
66. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
67. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
68. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
69. Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
70. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
71. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
72. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
73. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
74. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
75. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
76. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
77. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
78. If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
79. Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
80. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
81. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
82. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
83. Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
84. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
85. If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?

1. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
2. Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
3. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.
4. No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.
5. Cocaine is gods way of telling you that you make too much money.
6. If you don't die from it, it's healthy.
7. If everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is Going on.
8. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
9. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
10. There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
11. It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.
12. My homework is like a juicy steak: rarely done.
13. There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
14. Life is sexually transmitted.
15. Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
16. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
17. If at first you don't succeed: give up! No use being a damn fool.
18. Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.
19. No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.
20. You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
21. Only adults have difficulty with child proof bottles.

1. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how can Teflon stick to the pan?
2. Why isn't phonetic spelt the way it sounds?
3. Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
4. If a cow laughed,would milk come out of her nose?
5. When did wild poodles roam the earth?
6. When you're in the car, and you're looking for an address, why do you turn up the radio?
7. Have you ever imagined a world without any hypothetical situations?
8. If firefighters fight fire and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
9. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
10. Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
11. Do fish drink water?