Hunting Schedule

So that you novice hunters out there may better prepare for a rewarding and fruitful hunting season, as a public service, I offer the following Opening Day schedule:

0100 - Alarm clock rings
0200 - Hunting partner arrives, drags you out of bed
0300 - Leave for deep woods
0315 - Arrive back home and pick up gun
0330 - Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight
0400 - Set up camp -- forgot the damn tent!
0430 - Head into the woods
0605 - See a deer
0606 - Take aim and squeeze trigger
0607 - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill
0800 - Head back to camp
0900 - Still looking for camp
1000 - Realize you don't have a clue where camp is
1200 - Fire gun for help -- eat wild berries
1215 - Out of bullets -- watch 6 deer saunter by
1220 - Notice strange feeling in stomach
1230 - Realize you ate poisoned berries
1245 - Rescued by passing Girl Scout Troop
1255 - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped
1500 - Arrive back at camp
1530 - Leave camp to kill deer
1600 - Arrive back at camp for bullets
1603 - Load gun. Leave camp again
1700 - Empty gun on squirrel that's been bugging you
1715 - Notice that it's now dark, cold and rainy
1730 - Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing at camp
1733 - Load gun
1734 - Fire gun
1735 - Hit pick up truck
1740 - Partner returns to camp dragging 6 point buck
1745 - Suppress strong desire to shoot partner
1803 - Fall into campfire
1815 - Change clothes. Throw burned ones in fire
1817 - Take pick up, leave partner and his deer in the woods
1835 - Pick up boils over due to hole shot in block
1845 - Begin walking
1850 - Stumble and fall -- drop gun in mud
1855 - Meet bear
1855 - Fire gun, blow up barrel -- plugged with mud
1855 - Run like hell, ignore facial burning
1855 - Climb tree
2100 - Bear departs... Wrap $@!%&^* gun around tree
2330 - Home at last!

Sunday: Watch football game on TV slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces