Hallmark Greetings That Didn't Make It

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.

~*~

My tire was thumping...
I thought it was flat...
when I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat... Sorry.

~*~

You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends...
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

~*~

Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

~*~

You totaled your car...
and can't remember why...
could it have been...
that case of Bud Dry?

More greeting cards that just weren't meant to see the light of day...

OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.

OUTSIDE: I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
INSIDE: I never believed in Hell 'till I met you.

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:
INSIDE: What the f##k was I thinking?

OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am . . .
INSIDE: that you're not here to ruin it for me.

OUTSIDE: If I get only one thing for Christmas . . .
INSIDE: I hope it's your sister.

OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your promotion.
INSIDE: Before you go though, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

OUTSIDE: For every year that goes by, Mother . . .
INSIDE: I just think of that inheritance getting closer and closer.

OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.

OUTSIDE: Sex with you is like using drugs:
INSIDE: lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to admit it.

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

OUTSIDE: The holidays are a great time to be with family.
INSIDE: Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating asshole.

OUTSIDE: We have been friends for a very long time,
INSIDE: let's say we call it quits.

OUTSIDE: I'm so miserable without you,
INSIDE: it's almost like you're here.

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: buy a dog.

OUTSIDE: Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
INSIDE: Did you ever find out who the father was?