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Who's On First?!
(as performed by Bud Abbot and Lou Costello)
Lou: I want you to tell me the names of the fellas on the St. Louis baseball team.
Bud: I'm telling ya, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third--
Lou: You know the fellas' names?
Bud: Yes.
Lou: Well, then, who's playing first?
Bud: Yes.
Lou: I mean, the fella's name on first base.
Bud: Who.
Lou: The fella playing first base for St. Louis.
Bud: Who.
Lou: The guy on first base.
Bud: Who is on first.
Lou: Well what are you asking me for?
Bud: I'm not asking ya, I'm telling ya. Who is on first!
Lou: I'm asking you who's on first!
Bud: That's the man's name.
Lou: That's who's name?
Bud: Yes.
Lou: Well go ahead and tell me.
Bud: Who.
Lou: The guy on first.
Bud: Who!
Lou: The first baseman.
Bud: Who is on first!
Lou: (Reaction pause) Have you got a first baseman on first?
Bud: Certainly.
Lou: Then who's playing first?
Bud: Absolutely.
Lou: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Bud: Every dollar of it.
Lou: (Reaction pause) So who gets it?
Bud: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Lou: Who's wife?
Bud: Yes.
Lou: (Reaction pause)
Bud: You know the man earns it.
Lou: Who does?
Bud: Absolutely.
Lou: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base--
Bud: Oh no, no. What's on second base.
Lou: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Bud: Who's on first.
Lou: That's what I'm trying to find out!
Bud: Well don't change the players around, I--
Lou: I'm not changing nobody!
Bud: Take it easy--
Lou: What's the guy's name on first base?
Bud: What's the guy's name on second base.
Lou: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Bud: Who's on first.
Lou: I don't know.
Bud: He's on third. We're not talking about him.
Lou: How did I get on third base?
Bud: You mentioned his name.
Lou: If I mentioned a third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
Bud: No, Who's playing first!
Lou: Stay offa first, willya!
Bud: Well whaddaya want me to do?!?
Lou: Now what's the guy's name on third base?
Bud: No, What's on second.
Lou: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Bud: Who's on first.
Lou: I don't know.
Bud: He's on third.
Lou: There you go, back on third again...
Bud: Well I can't change their names!
Lou: Willya please stay on third base!
Bud: Please, now what is it you want to know?
Lou: What is the fella's name on third base?
Bud: What is the fella's name on second base!
Lou: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Bud: Who's on first.
Lou: I don't know.
Both: Third base.
Lou: (Reaction pause) You got a outfield?
Bud: Oh, absolutely.
Lou: The left fielder's name.
Bud: Why.
Lou: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask you.
Bud: Well I just thought I'd tell you.
Lou: Then tell me who is playing left field.
Bud: Who is playing first.
Lou: Stay outta the infield! I wanna know what's the fella's name in left field!
Bud: What is on second.
Lou: I'm not asking you who's on second!
Bud: Who is on first.
Lou: I don't know.
Both: Third base.
Lou: (Reaction pause)
Bud: Take it easy, take it easy now...
Lou: And the left fielder's name?
Bud: Why.
Lou: Because.
Bud: Oh, he's center field.
Lou: (Reaction pause) You got a pitcher on this team?
Bud: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher on it?
Lou: I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name.
Bud: Tomorrow.
Lou: You don't wanna tell me his name?
Bud: I'm telling you his name!
Lou: Then go ahead.
Bud: Tomorrow.
Lou: What time?
Bud: What time what?
Lou: What time tomorrow you gonna tell me who's pitching?
Bud: Now listen. Who is not pitching, Who is on--
Lou: I'll break your arm, you say who's on first! I wanna know what's the pitcher's name!
Bud: What's on second.
Lou: I don't know.
Both: (Quickly) Third base!
Lou: (Reaction pause) You got a catcher?
Bud: Yes.
Lou: The catcher's name.
Bud: Today.
Lou: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.
Bud: Now you've got it.
Lou: That's all. St. Louis has got a coupla days on the team.
Bud: I can't help that, the-- All right, what do you want me to do?
Lou: Got a catcher?
Bud: Yes.
Lou: I'm a good catcher too, you know.
Bud: I know that.
Lou: I would like to play for the St. Louis team.
Bud: Well, I think I can arrange that--
Lou: I would like to catch. Now, I'm being a good catcher, Tomorrow's pitching on the team and I'm catching.
Bud: Yes.
Lou: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.
Bud: Yes.
Lou: Now when he bunts the ball, me being a good catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
Bud: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
Lou: I don't even know what I'm talking about!!
Bud: That's all you have to do!
Lou: Is just throw it to first base.
Bud: Yes.
Lou: Now who's got it?
Bud: Naturally!
Lou: (Reaction pause) Who has it?
Bud: Naturally.
Lou: Naturally.
Bud: Naturally!
Lou: Ok.
Bud: Now you've got it.
Lou: I pick up the ball and throw it to Naturally--
Bud: No, you don't you throw it to first base.
Lou: Then who gets it?
Bud: Naturally!
Lou: Ok.
Bud: All right.
Lou: I throw the ball to Naturally--
Bud: You don't, you throw it to Who!
Lou: Naturally.
Bud: Well that's it, see?
Lou: That's what I said.
Bud: You did not.
Lou: I said I throw the ball to Naturally.
Bud: You don't, you throw it to Who.
Lou: Naturally.
Bud: Yes.
Lou: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it--
Bud: No, you throw the ball to first base.
Lou: Then who gets it?
Bud: Naturally!
Lou: That's what I'm saying! I throw the ball to Naturally--
Bud: You throw it to who!
Lou: Naturally!
Bud: Well, say it that way!
Lou: That's what I'm saying! I throw the ball to first base--
Bud: And Who gets it!
Lou: (Reaction pause) He'd better get it! (Reaction pause) Now. I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is drops the ball so the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow. A triple play.
Bud: Ok, it could be.
Lou: Another guy gets up. It's a long fly ball to Because. Why? I Don't Know. He's on third, and I don't care! You hear me? I said, I don't care!
Bud: Oh, that's our shortstop!
Lou: (Reaction)