How To Bore Your Enemies
A Random Monologue From Animaniacs

This was from an episode of Animaniacs in which the Warner Brothers (and their sister Dot) were at a party and ended up being followed around by a really boring guy who just wouldn't stop talking. I loved it so much, I sat in front of the TV with my remote control and wrote down the whole dang thing. (play... pause... scribble... play... pause... scribble... play....) Anyway, without further ado, here is the irrefutable proof that I have no life.

Oh hello. Pleased to meet you. My name is Francis Pomphandle, but everyone calls me Pip. (Great cheeseballs, eh Pip?) I'll say. Cheese balls are one of my all time favorite foods. I always seem to meet the most interesting people when I'm around them, too. In fact, cheeseballs bring to mind the time I met Bob Barker. Yes indeed, Bob Barker. Star of the most popular morning game show. He's an emcee, a host, and a celebrity all rolled into one. Anyway, eight months ago, it was Tuesday the 17th, I believe, or it might have been the 18th. No, it was definitely the 17th, because it was exactly one week after my aunt Lucricia's birthday, which was the 10th. Aunt Lucricia is quite a woman. Loves to cook. She prepares a fabulous wor shu opp. That's a Chinese duck dish. I love Chinese food. I once went to a party where they served Chinese food and cheeseballs. Now, that was a Catch 22 situation. Catch 22 was a movie, you know. It was long. Very long. They say the book was better, but it was a novel and I never finish reading those things. Of course, a lot of people don't read much nowadays, they watch television. I caught a program on PBS last night. A very good show on chimpanzees in the media. They had a clip of a guy named Fred who loved chimps on the Today show, but it was Fred's chimpanzee girlfriend that had me stumped. I couldn't remember her name so I looked it up. Her name was Phoebe B. Beebee. Anyway as I was saying, eight months ago Tuesday the 17th, I went downtown for a relaxing stroll. I love to relax. In fact, relaxing is a pastime of mine. Some people play golf, others like tennis, horseshoes, bridge, canasta, and other such fancy hobbies. Now another hobby enjoyed by many is knitting. My grandmother was a great knitter. Knitted the sweater I'm wearing. It's red, which is not my favorite color; I prefer mauve or mustard yellow. Now don't get me wrong, red is ok for ties or suspenders, but with sweaters I prefer more neutral colors. But when I'm relaxing, I don't care what I wear. Long pants, Bermuda shorts, tee- shirts, or formal attire, you name it. Anything goes. Now, on the 17th, during my relaxing stroll, I recall wearing my herring bone jacket, my Laughlin Nevada souvenir tie, and my charcoal grey slacks. Or was it the navy slacks? Well, I suppose it doesn't really matter, does it. What matters is comfort. You know, I once stayed at a Comfort Inn. Warm, cozy, comfortable. I love comfort. It goes along with that pastime of mine: relaxing. Now for me, there's nothing more relaxing than a nice leisurely stroll like the one I took eight months ago on the 17th. It was a bright sunny day which is of course the optimum condition for relaxed strolling, and as I walked along, I found myself humming a haunting melody. I kept humming and humming and humming and humming. I couldn't get the tune out of my head. I racked my brain to come up with the title, but to no avail. You see, I'm not terribly musical, and yet I'd always wanted to play an instrument and be like my musical hero, Leo Sayer. But who can compete with Leo. I think I was just scared that I'd fail. Well, I decided right then and there to go buy a musical instrument. So on the particular Tuesday the 17th to which I was referring, I went down to the Sixth Street Music Emporium to buy a new tambourine. A terribly soothing instrument contrary to popular opinion. And as I was strolling along, I detected a wonderful scent in the morning air. What could it be, I asked myself. So I went toward that marvelous scent, distracted by its aroma from my musical mission. The odor was a mix of orchid flowers and bologna, which of course is one of the world's most under appreciated luncheon meats. That, and pimento loaf. I love a good pimento loaf and mayo sandwich. The more pimento the better. Why, just the mention of pimentos makes my taste buds stand up and say howdy. Now there's an interesting word, howdy. Is it from how are you or maybe how are you doing? Howdy is one of those strange words that really has no origin. I like saying how do more than howdy. More formal, I think. Not too flowery. But the flowery aroma of that particular Tuesday morning carried me on my fragrant quest. Now, the smell was actually less bologna and more orchid, the beautiful flower found on the island state of Hawaii. Of course I wasn't in Hawaii, so I need to search out the location of the nearest orchids. So I visited every florist shop in town. Well, to make a long story short, not a single flower shop in town had any orchids in stock. It seemed mighty curious to me. Now as we all know, curiosity killed the cat, but since I'm not a feline I wasn't too worried. Felines are funny creatures, don't you think? I had a cat once. It used its claws to tear my living room couch to shreds. It was a comfy couch, too. It had a sleepaway bed in it with a foam rubber mattress. Now, I bought the couch and the mattress in Levine's Department store on 3rd Avenue, the very same afternoon of that relaxing stroll aforementioned. I also bought myself a lovely tambourine on that same shopping expedition. Anyway, I didn't want to pay extra for the delivery of the couch, so I decided to carry the couch home myself. It was quite cumbersome, and getting it through the store's revolving doors was a bit of a challenge. And just as I emerged onto the street, by accident I bumped into a well dressed man with an orchid in his lapel. It was Bob Barker. And he was eating a bologna and cheeseball sandwich. Well, it's been nice chatting with you. Bye!