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I'm Pregnant
(or "A Day In The Life")
by Kittie
SCENE ONE
JORDAN and JONATHAN's HOTEL ROOM
JONATHAN, JORDAN, DONNIE, and DANNY are in a large hotel room. There are
two beds, a medium-sized TV, a small refrigerator, ... the works. JONATHAN
is resting on one of the beds, his eyes closed. DANNY is seated at the
edge of the bed, watching as JORDAN and DONNIE play a video game.
DONNIE
(Expertly hitting buttons on the game controller)
Yeah! Eat lead Jay!
JORDAN
(Frantically jerking his controller around)
Aww man! Donnie, yer killin' me!
DONNIE
All right! Hahaha, YES!
DANNY
(Shaking his head, smiling)
You're gettin' massacred Jay.
There is a frantic knocking at the door.
JOE
(Off screen, outside the door, highly agitated)
Jon! Jon, open up! Jon!
(Continues to knock until the door is opened.)
JONATHAN'S eyes fly open and he sits bolt upright
JONATHAN
What the-?
DANNY
(Concerned)
Something's up....
JONATHAN jumps to his feet and runs to the door, flinging it open. JOE practically falls into the room. He is disheveled, his eyes wide as he stares up at JONATHAN.
JOE
Jonathan...
(Seems to suddenly notice the others and clams up)
JONATHAN
What is it? What's wrong?
JORDAN and DONNIE have paused in their game and everyone is staring at JOE.
JOE
I... I....
JOE gulps and looks back to JON.
JOE
Jonathan... I'm... I'm pregnant.
JONATHAN blinks. Everyone is silent, stunned. Then JORDAN, DONNIE, and DANNY burst into hysterical laughter. JOE'S apparent fright vanishes and he grins at JONATHAN. JONATHAN slowly comes out of his stupor and rolls his eyes.
JONATHAN
(Sarcastic)
Oh no Joe, you really should have used protection.
JOE snaps back into character.
JOE
(Distraught)
I did! I swear!
JORDAN
(Still laughing)
Oh man... Oh my God Joe....
DANNY
(Also still laughing)
What the hell was that about?
JOE
(Shrugs)
I dunno. I woke up from my nap and I had this idea.... Just seemed like
fun.
(Grins up at JONATHAN)
You shoulda seen yer face Jon!
JONATHAN
(Getting back onto the bed, lying back down and closing his eyes)
Uh-huh. You're a nut you know that?
JORDAN
How did you do that?
JOE
What?
JORDAN
Say that with a straight face!
JOE
It's easy.
(Slips back into character, eyes go wide)
Jordan I'm pregnant!
JORDAN
(Laughter grows)
Oh my God....!
JOE
You try it.
JORDAN
(Laughing)
Joe, I'm-
JOE
No, quit laughing. Straight face.
JORDAN struggles to bring himself under control. Everyone, including JONATHAN, is watching the two of them, though JONATHAN pretends he is not interested. JORDAN manages to stop laughing and looks at JOE, opening his mouth to speak. He collapses into giggles again. JOE shakes his head disapprovingly.
JORDAN
Okay, okay....
JORDAN clears his throat, takes deep breaths, looks at JOE in all seriousness. As he speaks, his lips quiver.
JORDAN
Joe, I have to tell you something...
A snicker escapes JORDAN and he struggles again.
JORDAN
No wait....
JORDAN again tries to get under control. JOE watches, his face blank.
JORDAN
Okay... okay....
(Steels himself, looks directly into JOE'S eyes)
Joe, I'm preg-
(He almost makes it but bursts into giggles at the end of the word.)
-nant!
JOE
(Shaking his head and turning away)
Hopeless.
DONNIE
(Mock-angrily)
Yo Jay, I'm pregnant. It's your kid. Gimme money for diapers, gee!
JORDAN bursts into peals of laughter again. DANNY shakes his head as JOE nods his approval.
JOE
D's got it. You're the man, D.
DONNIE
(To JORDAN)
I'm lactating, Jay!