Disclaimer: I don't own the New Kids, I just bought the cartoon. I decided to transcribe this because it's so funny. Sometimes I couldn't understand what they said, and I put that stuff in parentheses. It'll either say (unintelligible) or (whatever I think they might have said?). Sound effects (but only the funny ones) are indicated with *asterisks.* Hope you enjoy this, it took me FOREVER!
Thanks: to Nikki for decifering some of the lines I couldn't understand. :) And to think she did it all thru my sound files!

"New Heroes On The Block"

Transcribed by Kittie J. Verdena

OPENING SONG/MONTAGE - "The Right Stuff"
The Kids transform into cartoons and do wacky things.

TITLE - New Kids On the Block

PROLOGUE - Interview exerpts of the real live New Kids

Joe: We have two busses and... Donnie and... Donnie Danny and myself are on one bus and then Jordan and Jon are on the blue bus.
Danny: We pull out of the venue after the show and we put a movie on....
Jordan: I'll be on... y'know, the... the tour bus (unintelligible), and I'll be tryin' to dance around, and the bus is shakin' and everything....
Danny: And we can never get through the opening credits 'cause everyone has fallen asleep.
Joe: Y'know there's... only so much room for what you can do, and sometimes you just wish you could... y'know, just... be somewhere else.
Donnie: A lotta times Biscuit falls asleep on the bus, and he snores real loud like this.

BISCUIT demonstrates.

Jordan: It's crazy.
Joe: It's a blast on the road, you just have fun. All of America is your home.

TITLE SCREEN
"New Heroes On The Block"
Written by Bruce A. Faulk

SCENE ONE
Hotel, with screaming fans outside & security guards holding them back. Bus pulls up, door opens. Hotel door opens, revealing BISCUIT and NEW KIDS.

Donnie: Let's bust a move!
Biscuit: I'm wit'cha all the way!

BISCUIT steps out of the hotel as fans behind barricades scream and push. He walks toward the bus.

Biscuit: (Ad-lib) That's it, c'mon, let's go....

THE KIDS make a break for it. BISCUIT is randomly thrown into the air.

Biscuit: WHOA!

SOUND EFFECT: *thunk* as BISCUIT presumably falls to the ground. THE KIDS arrive at the bus and jump in.

Donnie: (As the door closes behind him) Whew! We're on the bus! Now we can kick back and chill.
Danny: Is that crowd ballistic or what?

DANNY pulls off his shoe and throws it. (SOUND EFFECT: *something like a door creaking?* *Whiizzzz!*)

Jordan: (At a keyboard) I'd say the whole town was jammin'!

JONATHAN pulls open the curtain on a bunk labelled "Donnie" and pulls out a sleepy NIKKO. NIKKO barks and starts licking his face.

Jonathan: Didja miss us that much Nikko?

JOE jumps into a chair in front of the TV as DONNIE follows eagerly. (SOUND EFFECT: *Boing!*)

Joe: Yo Biscuit, where's our new video game?
Jonathan: Hey, where is Biscuit?

BISCUIT gets flattened against the side of the bus by fans.

New Kids: Biscuit!!
Danny: Hang tight, B-man!

THE KIDS dash to the front of the bus and open the door, then get sucked out by a huge wind as semi-ominous music plays. The door closes behind them.

SCENE TWO
JON, JORDAN, and JOE are signing the last few autographs.

Jonathan: Thanks a lot.
Jordan: Here's your autograph.

BISCUIT is led up by a random fan. He has musical notes circling his head. (SOUND EFFECT: *tweet tweet tweet tweet!*)

Joe: (Holding up two fingers) How many fingers do you see?
Biscuit: (In a wavering voice) Can I have your autograph?
Joe: Don't worry, he'll be okay.

THE KIDS lead BISCUIT onto the bus.

Biscuit: (Still exhausted) Sam, take us to Chicago.
Sam: (A shapely woman whose face is not shown) You've got it baby!

SAM starts the bus and they're off.

SCENE THREE
A newsroom.

Reporter: This is incredible! The New Kids just rescued their own bodyguard!

SCENE FOUR
At a news booth...

Dick Scott: (Reading headline) Biscuit's Bacon saved by New Heroes On The Block?!

SCENE FIVE
In the bus...

Biscuit: (To the Kids) The last thing I remember, I was right behind you. Then...

Phone rings, BISCUIT picks it up

Dick: Biscuit, Dick Scott here. Is.. everything under control out there?
Biscuit: (Nervous laughter) Uh.. I guess you head about my goof-up. I... I can explain. (Nervous laughter)
Dick: Don't worry about it.
Biscuit: I just hope it doesn't show up in the teen magazines!
Dick: I think you can count on making the front page with a story like this.
Biscuit: (Drops his head onto his hand, SOUND EFFECT: *Plonk!*) Awww....

NIKKO jumps up onto the desk and licks BISCUIT, who pets him and cheers up slightly.

Dick: Oh, uh, I had a package delivered to you on the bus, did you get it?
Biscuit: Uhh.. I don't see it here....
Dick: Please track it down for me, I need it to reach Chicago in one piece!
Biscuit: Hey, don't worry Mr. Scott. You can count on me. I'll find it and put it in a safe place.
Dick: Great. And tell the boys I said cool it with the hero stuff.

BISCUIT nods.

SCENE SIX
JOE is playing a video game. JONATHAN comes over holding a dinner-plate sized round glass thingy.

Jonathan: Hey Joe, is this yours?
Joe: (Pushing it away) Huh-uh. What would I want with a glass hubcap?
Jonathan: (Holding it up) It's not a hubcap, and it didn't just get here by itself.
Danny: (Dropping an egg into a weird concoction in a blender) Well lemme see it.

The blender goes on by itself, sending the weird mixture into the air.

Danny: Whoa!
Jonathan: (Leaps to the floor and catches the mixture with the glass thingy.) Got it! (Stands) Way to go, Danny. You've messed up this really important... whatever this is.

DANNY takes the goo-covered thingy from JONATHAN and goes to the sink, where he begins to spin it around and then puts his finger on the edge, causing the stuff to fall neatly back into an unseen container.

Danny: It looks kinda like....

DISSOLVE TO SCENE SEVEN
A spooky laboratory. DANNY is a mad scientist, NIKKO is wearing a cape. DANNY is rubbing his hands, standing over the glass thingy on a pedestal of some sort.

Danny: (In a strange deep voice) My portable health food dehydrator! Finally, it is ready! Ijor, posse up, I need your assistance!

JOE (IJOR) appears, hunched over, wearing a green hood on his head. He talks like "Igor" from the old Frankenstein movies.

Ijor: Heheh I'll do anything but taste this stuff.
Danny: Dig it Ijor, apples the size of peanuts, asparagus the size of toothpicks!
Ijor: Pizzas the size of quarters!

IJOR brings a pizza out of thin air.

Danny: (Maniacally) Pizza... I never thought of pizza.

DONNIE comes out of nowhere.

Donnie: Hey, hey! (Grabs the pizza) No fantasies with my pizza! (Walks off)
Danny: (Shrugs) Apples are hype. Quickly Ijor, throw the switch!

IJOR does, and for some reason, DANNY throws himself on the apparatus. The whole thing explodes and DANNY is suddenly majorly muscular.

INTERLUDE-
THE REAL DANNY speaks, his voice mixed so his words repeat.

The Real Danny: Went to the gym and got pumped... got pumped... got pumped....

END INTERLUDE

NIKKO barks appreciatively.

Danny: Wassup?!
Ijor: Now you're talkin' health food!

SCENE EIGHT
Pumped up DANNY and IJOR are at the mall.

Danny: Hopefully I can find out what caused me to change here at the mall!
Random Girls: (Swooning) There he is!
Ijor: Or maybe you can just buy some new clothes and hope it doesn't happen again.

DANNY gets a weird feeling and holds the glass disc to his head.

Danny: Whoa, somebody needs my help!
Old Lady: (Stuck in berserk elevator) Help! Somebody please help me!
Ijor: The elevator's gone berserk!

DANNY starts to get even bigger.

Jordan: (Off-screen) Whoa, Puff, what's up?

JORDAN, DONNIE, and JONATHAN are seen off to the side.

Jordan: Is he the incredulous hunk or what?
Ijor: I think it was somethin' he ate.

The elevator begins to fall.

Old Lady: Heeellppp!

DANNY runs over there and catches the elevator. There's a big cloud of dust, and when it clears, he is holding the old lady, unharmed, in his arms. IJOR runs up. (SOUND EFFECT; *whizz!*)

Ijor: That was weird!
Old Lady: Well thank you young man. Your weird friend here saved my life! How can I ever repay you?
Danny: Uhh no thank you ma'am. It's my job to help innocent victims.

DISSOLVE TO SCENE NINE
Back on the bus, DANNY is holding the glass thingy up in the air.

Danny: So this is how the incredulous hunk and Nikko the wonderdog became superheroes!
Joe: Hey Danny, think you can help me pump up like that when we get to Chicago?
Donnie: Are you kiddin'? Heh. You'll need Chicago and Cleveland!
Jordan: And St. Louis!

JONATHAN snickers. JOE looks hurt.

Danny: Aww don't let him rip on ya. (Hands Joe the glass thingy)
Joe: Yeah, you guys are just jealous.

JOE randomly tucks the glass thingy under his arm and starts spinning around.

Jonathan: (Grabbing it from him and going to wash it off) Hey you'd better chill with this thing. It's important.
Donnie: (Off screen) Looks like a piece of glass to me.

DISSOLVE TO SCENE TEN
BISCUIT is throwing books out of a cabinet, they're landing on poor NIKKO, who is trying to sleep.

Biscuit: Gotta find that package! Can't let Mr. Scott down again!

SCENE ELEVEN
JORDAN takes the disc from JONATHAN.

Jordan: You might be right, Jonathan. (Taps on it) It is special...
Donnie: (He and DANNY exchange a look) Okay Jordan, c'mon, what is it?
Jordan: I can see this is a lighthouse lamp from far away.

DISSOLVE TO SCENE TWELVE
JORDAN (JORRO) is in a cape and tight pants, with a 'J' on his chest. He's on one knee on a rock overlooking the lighthouse.

Jorro: (In a deep superhero kinda voice) The impenetrable lighthouse tower.

He reaches down a hand to pull up JONATHAN, who is dressed in regular clothes.

Jorro: Jonathan, my brother, my valet! You are so brave to help me in my mission!
Jonathan: (Humoring him) Okay, I give. What are we doin' here?
Jorro: We're here to rescue the beautiful Camille from the ugly two-headed Ogre who's holding her hostage in that lightouse tower.
Jonathan: (Sarcastic) Lemme guess. She wrote you a fan letter and said Ogre-face won't let her out to go to our concert.
Jorro: Mmm, something like that. It's for a good cause.
Jonathan: Okay, but let's kick it! I'm cold, and hungry! And we didn't tell Dick where we were going.
Jorro: Hahaha! Dear brother, where is your sense of wild adventure and romance?
Jonathan: In our family? Obviously, you've got it all.
Jorro: No problem. You chill out with the horses. I'll be the hero.
Jonathan: Fine with me, it's your fantasy.

JORRO jumps off the rock and approaches the lighthouse. He throws the rope up and it catches on a thingy at the top.

Jorro: Whoa. First try!

JORRO starts to climb the tower.

Jonathan: (Down below, off-screen) Look out for that-
Jorro: Shh! Not so loud!
Jonathan: (Murmered softly) Window.

THE TWO-HEADED OGRE (DONNIE and JOE) appears in the window.

Ogre: Rroar!
Donnie's Head: You dare to set foot on my lighthouse!
Joe's Head: Whaddaya mean your lighthouse? It's my lighthouse too!
Jorro: Uh-oh.

THE OGRE starts chewing on the rope.

Jorro: Hey, no fair! Two against one!

He falls as the rope breaks.

Jorro: Whoooaa!

THE OGRE gives itself a high five.

Jorro: Whoooooooooa!

JORRO uses his cape as a glider and flies up to CAMILLE's window.

Jorro: Yeah! Kickin'! Hangin' Tough!

Lands inside CAMILLE's prison room.

Camille: Oooh! (Runs to him) Ooh Jorro, I knew you'd come to my rescue! (Hugs him)
Jorro: (Yells out the window) Okay Jonathan, anytime!

THE OGRE breaks down the door and beats on its chest.

Jorro: Hang on to me, Camille.

JORRO grabs his whip and lashes it around the lighthouse lamp (the glass thingy) and jumps out the window.THE OGRE runs to the window.

Donnie's Head: Hey, he's getting away!
Joe's Head: He's supposed to! He's the hero!

JORRO and CAMILLE fall a few feet, then stop, dangling high above the ground.

Jorro: I think I could have used a longer whip. Or a shorter lighthouse.

They fall, screaming. JONATHAN arrives below with the horses, and JORRO lands perfectly on his horse's back.

Jorro: Your timing was hype, bro.
Camille: Oh Jorro, you're my hero!

They ride off into the sunset, kicking up dirt.

DISSOLVE TO SCENE THIRTEEN
THE BOYS are on the bus, coughing, surrounded by smoke. BISCUIT runs in.

Biscuit: Dust storm! Evacuate! Clear out! Kick it! I'm on the job! I got it covered this time. You guys go first!

NIKKO is barking at an open window.

Joe: The window was open, Biscuit!
Sam: See baby? We're just makin' a dinner stop!
Biscuit: A-heh.... Dust.... I guess I am a little jumpy.
Jonathan: Well at least you've got an excuse. Now these guys are a different story!
Danny: You look like a man who could use a veggie burger!
Biscuit: Naw, I gotta stay here and look for somethin'.

SCENE FOURTEEN
THE KIDS are in the restaurant.

INTERLUDE
THE REAL JORDAN speaks

Real Jordan: Like, when I was young I always wanted to be Robin Hood and... and be in a fantasy land.

END INTERLUDE

Waitress: Here we go. Seven space burgers and five milky way floats.
Joe: And a partridge in a pear tree. Ha-ha-ha!Ha-ha..! Uhh... that was a joke. (Grins at her)
Waitress: Oh. Okay. (Walks away.)
Joe: Man, I must be losin' my touch! (Picks up the glass thingy, which they have with them for some reason.) Or this thing is sending out bad vibes! Yeah that's it!
Jonathan: Oh no, here we go again.
Donnie: So c'mon, let's hear it Joe.
Joe: Well, a long long time ago, in another galaxy....

DISSOLVE TO SCENE FIFTEEN
"Soda Fizz" restaurant. Aliens are at various tables, conversing and drinking sodas.

INTERLUDE
THE REAL JOE speaks

Joe: Sometimes you just wish you could... kinda... be somewhere else.

END INTERLUDE

CARTOON JOE and BISCUIT are sitting at a table. JOE is wearing space garb, BISCUIT looks like a half-man, half-dog creature. JOE is known as JOE SOLO, BISCUIT is BISCROID.

Joe: Let's posse up to the astro (mart), Biscroid. I wanna check out some of those (felean) five foot (uninitelligible).

JOE's communicator-thingy beeps. DICK SCOTT comes up on the view screen in a Star-Trek-like uniform.

Dick: Sorry Joe, no time for girls today.
Biscroid: (Salutes) Commander Scott sir!
Dick: Sorry to ruin your plans Joe, but you're needed immediately on Planet Q-Nemis! It appears the people of that planet have lost their sense of humor!
Joe: Ooohh... that's not funny!

SCENE SIXTEEN
The planet Q-Nemis. The glass thingy is on a pedestal, glowing ominously pink, and the people of the planet are surrounded by that same pink aura. JOE SOLO and BISCROID exit their ship.

Joe: Looks sorta normal to me.

JOE waves to one of the planet's inhabitants PRINCESS RAYA. The pink glow of before has mysteriously vanished between the last scene and this one.

Joe: Hi. I'm Joe Solo. Take me to your leader! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha....
Princess Raya: We don't have one.
Joe: Don't take it so seriously. It was just a joke.
Princess Raya: I'm afraid that's the reason you're here. I'm Princess Raya. Please, follow me.

PRINCESS RAYA leads JOE and BISCROID to the palace, where the glass thingy is still glowing but is no longer pink. It is making a humming noise and is guarded by an armoured guy in a cape.

Princess Raya: There's the problem. That's Mirthless Raider. He arrived two weeks ago with that thing. Ever since then, no one on my planet has laughed.
Joe: Does it do anything weird?

The thingy shoots out a purple ray, and JOE ducks.

Joe: Never mind, I think I've got my answer!

The ray hits BISCROID.

Biscroid: Whoa!
Joe: BISCROID! Talk to me! You okay? ... Where do otters come from?
Biscroid: Got me.
Joe: Otter space! Get it? Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha....

BISCROID just looks at him.

Joe: (Puzzled, scratching his head) Biscroid always laughs at that one. This is war! Biscroid, where are my weapons!

SONG AND ACTION MONTAGE
"Treat Me Right"
JOE attempts to amuse the armoured guy with a variety of tricks including flowers that spray water and cream pies. At the end of the whole thing, PRINCESS RAYA, BISCROID, and JOE each throw a pie. They miss the armoured guy, but hit the glass thingy, causing it to fall off its pedestal and break. DANNY comes out of nowhere covered with pie.

Danny: Aww, dissed again! And I'm not even in this fantasy!

DANNY exits as JOE AND CO. stare after him. JOE shrugs.

Princess Raya: Look! Joe!

PRINCESS RAYA points to THE ARMORED GUY, who is holding a piece of the shattered thingy. THE ARMORED GUY starts to laugh. So do BISCROID and PRINCESS RAYA.

Joe: Cream pies work every time! (Gives a thumbs-up)

THE ARMORED GUY is still laughing. He takes off his helmet and is a RANDOM OLD MAN.

Random Old Man: I haven't laughed since I fell under the power of the unhappy crystal! Ha-ha-ha!

Princess Raya: (Double-take with sound effect: *BOIIINNGGG!*) Father!

PRINCESS RAYA runs to her father's arms.

Father: Raya, my daughter.

RAYA hugs her father, then turns to JOE.

Princess Raya: You saved my father and my planet. You're wonderful! (Kisses him on the cheek)

SCENE SEVENTEEN
THE KIDS are walking back to the bus.

Jonathan: (Laughs) I love it Joe! Only you'd come up with somethin' that out of this world!
Joe: (Drops the thingy) Whoops!
Jonathan: Oh no!
Donnie: (Catches it) Got it.
Jonathan: (Afraid to look) Huh? (Grabs it back) Chillin' catch Donnie!
Sam: (Off-screen) Last call for Chicago! Or are you guys plannin' to hoof it?

SCENE EIGHTEEN
THE KIDS are on the bus. JONATHAN is on the computer.

Donnie: Hey, who's up for a game of darts?
Jonathan: How can you get into darts when we haven't even figured out what this is yet?
Danny: Ah, do you think Jonathan's goin' overboard again?
Jordan, Joe, and Donnie: Uh-huh.

JONATHAN types in some random commands on the computer and a pretty design comes up.

Jonathan: Look at the configuration of this thing!
Donnie: (Throwing a dart) I got it! I got it, I know what it is!
Joe: Eh, this oughta be good.

DISSOLVE TO SCENE NINETEEN
A suction-cup tipped arrow hits the thingy, which is used as a target. DONNIE, dressed as Robin Hood, pulls the arrow off the target with a *pop!*

Donnie: (In a really bad English accent) Harketh! Do mine ears capture the sound of distress?
Danny: (With a huge stereo.) I can't hear nuthin' but static.
Donnie: That's cause there aren't any radio stations in this fantasy.

DONNIE swipes at the the radio with his hat and it vanishes. DONNIE and DANNY run to their horses. DONNIE jumps up on his effortlessly.

Donnie: Posse-eth up, men. Our services are needed in the village.

DANNY tries to jump up on his horse and flies clean over it.

Danny: Whoa! Ooof!

DONNIE, JOE, and JORDAN ride off without him.

Danny: (Waving frantically) Hey, wait for me!

The "Merry Men" arrive in the village on horseback. There is a KID talking to a BIG MEAN GUY in a booth called "Ye Olde Ticket Vendor."

Kid: This is totally whacked!
Big Mean Guy: Ah-hahaha! All right, beat it kid! You wanna see the king's joust, you gotta pay!

The Merry Men arrive and DONNIE jumps off his horse.

Donnie: 'ello, what's up?
Kid: This man bought up all the tickets for the king's annual joust, and is charging a king's ransom for each one!
Donnie: Yo, how come you're riffin' my homeboy?
Big Mean Guy: (Stuffing a huge bag of money down his shirt) No one's getting' riffed.
Kid: That's not true! The one day the entire village is allowed to take a holiday, and feast with the king, is ruined! Nobody can afford to go!
Joe: This seemeth a little unfair.
Jordan: Then let's do somefing abou' it.
Donnie: I thinketh a rap with the king is in order, hmm? Hang tough homie, I'll straighten this out, or my name isn't Donneth Hood!

DONNIE jumps back on his horse, and he and The Merry Men leave for the king's palace.

SCENE TWENTY: THE PALACE
JONATHAN is the king. DONNIE is kneeling before him, the others are standing behind DONNIE.

Donnie: ... so no one can afford to come to your joust festival, sire.

King Jonathan: (In an even worse English accent than Donnie's) A joust with no people to cheer? (Slaps his face, SOUND EFFECT: *WHAP!*) BORING! (Pronounced "Baaah-ring!) What shall I do?

BIG MEAN GUY enters behind them, and speaks off screen.

Big Mean Guy: Uhh, may I make a suggestion, your highness? A competition between myself and this Donneth Hood. Ha-ha. It's only fitting.
King Jonathan: An excellent idea! May the best man winneth.

FADE TO SCENE TWENTY-ONE: THE COMPETITION
Several cheering fans surround a wide open space, at the far end of which DONNIE is setting up his target. (The glass one.)

Big Mean Guy: (Sauntering up) We'll see who's the big shot around here!

DONNIE bows at him to go first. THE BIG MEAN GUY pulls out an arrow (a real one, with a point) and takes the first shot. His arrow hits the target and bounces off. The BIG MEAN GUY reacts with shock. He shoots again and again, but all of the arrows bounce off. He clutches his head in confusion and defeat.

Donnie: You could poke your eye out with one o' those! I always use the rubber-tipped arrows. They're much safer.

DONNIE takes a shot and hits the bullseye. The crowd cheers. DONNIE bows as flowers and hats are thrown at him.

FADE TO SCENE TWENTY-TWO
In the bus, DONNIE is holding the glass thingy up as the guys throw socks and other miscelaneous items at him.

Donnie: The annual joust is free! Free! Free!
Danny: Donnie, snap out of it! We're in Chicago.

SCENE TWENTY-THREE
BISCUIT is in the front of the bus, talking to NIKKO.

Biscuit: I let Mr. Scott down.

DICK SCOTT appears at the doors of the bus.

Dick: How was the trip, Biscuit?
Biscuit: Ah, uh... about that package Mr. Scott....
Dick: (Looks around and sees something off screen) You found it! I knew I could count on you, Biscuit.

DICK walks off screen toward the rear of the bus as BISCUIT looks puzzled.

Jonathan: Hey guys, I finally figured out what this thing is!
Dick: Great, it got here in one piece. Thanks for taking care of -
Jonathan:- the lens for the laser show! Ha-ha you guys were way off.
Dick: Way off on what?
Joe: Heh, aww nothin' Dick. Jonathan was just talkin' about a few side trips we made. You know, like a trip to a faraway galaxy?
Jordan: Rescuing a fair maiden...?
Danny: Buffin' out into a hero...?
Donnie: Savin' an entire kingdom from a whacked ticket scalper...?
Jonathan: You know, just your basic hero stuff!
Dick: Hah! Yeah right. Up to your old tricks again!
Donnie: (As they exit the bus) Are you... ready... to rock?!
Jordan: After that bus ride, yeah!

DISSOLVE TO SCENE TWENTY-FOUR
"Tonight"

The End