Two nights later we made love for the first time. I was 18, Mike was 19. It was incredible. Still, I knew it couldn't last. I don't really know why I left. It was just something I had to do at the time. I knew things would work out eventually. If we were meant to be together we would find each other again.

Now it's almost four years later and we're back together. We're getting married, we're having a baby. Needless to say, not everybody is as happy about this as Mike and I are. My mother said I was ruining my life and career by marrying Mike. And that was before we told her about the baby. This is my baby, mine and Mike's, and we should be the only two people making decisions about it. Would Mom react the same way if this was happening with Joey instead? She adored him, he was the son she never had. He was a two faced jerk. He lied to me, he cheated on me, never satisfied me.

Mike, on the other hand, has never lied to me, has never cheated on me, and he knows how to satisfy me. He's an incredible lover, always has been, even the first time. I guess it comes from spending lifetimes together.

Yes, I'm ready to admit I believe now. I've had dreams myself, maybe not as many as Mike, but just as vivid. I can't shake the feeling that the dreams are somehow connected to the baby. There aren't any easy answers. Everything will be revealed when the time is right. That's what Mike told me when we discussed it one night.

What kind of father will Mike be? He barely remembers his own father and he never really had anybody to take the place of his father. Still I know he loves me and he loves our baby. He's not going to leave like his father did. It bothers him a lot sometimes. He doesn't talk about it much, but I know him well enough to know when something is bothering him. He dreams about it sometimes. More than once I've heard him say, "Don't leave me, Daddy" in his sleep. He didn't do that before I got pregnant.

We can make it work, I know we can. Just because Mike didn't have a father growing up doesn't mean he won't be a good father to our baby. And I know he's not marrying me just because of the baby. I admit that was my first thought and I told that to Mike. I knew it wasn't true when I realized how much me saying that hurt him. He told me he bought the ring in San Francisco, he just wanted to wait to give it to me, until he was sure the time was right. He even told me he already had an idea I was pregnant, but even if I wasn't, he wanted to marry me anyway.

I can't forget what he said to me, how he's incomplete without me and that we belonged together. Nobody ever said anything like that to me before Mike. I feel the same way about him. This is the way things are supposed to be. Life is complete for now. I have Mike and our baby. Nothing else matters now.

I can't wait until June when the baby comes. I hope it's a boy with dark hair and brown eyes like Mike. A girl would be nice, but next time. This time I want a little boy that looks like Mike. We haven't talked about it much. We haven't set a date for the wedding or talked about names for the baby. Mike hasn't even told his mother yet. He said he wants to tell her in person. We're planning on going to Texas after the holidays. Mike just doesn't have the money now. He spent most of what he had to buy my ring. He loves me enough to make that sacrifice.

I'm nervous about meeting his mother. How will she react to me? My mother will most likely never learn to accept Mike. Will Mike's mother accept me and our child? Mike tells me not to worry, his mother will accept me. Even though I've never met her, I respect her. It must have been hard raising Mike by herself, but she did a wonderful job.

What kind of mother will I be? I don't want to be like my mother. She was never around when my sister and I needed her. We were raised by a nanny and a maid. And now she tells me I'm ruining my life. I don't think I am. I've found a man who loves me and I love him and we're getting married and having a family. I won't let anyone but me and Mike raise our children.

As for throwing my career away, I don't remember Mom ever being very supportive of my decision to be an actress. Besides, I think I can have a career in the movies and still be a good mother. Women have done it before and I can do it now. It's my life, I should be able to live it how I see fit.

People may look down on me because I'm pregnant and not married, but I don't think I did anything wrong. I love Mike and he loves me. What we do in private is our business and nobody elses. Yes, I was the one to initiate it the first time in New York and again when we started dating, but Mike said he let me make the first move because he was afraid I would reject him. I wouldn't have rejected him. I couldn't deny the attraction between us. Making love with Mike has never been a purely physical thing. There's a strong spiritual aspect to it, too. It's not the joining of two bodies, but also two souls, making them one. I've never felt like that with anyone else and I know Mike feels the same way.

I just hope now that I'm going to be living with him at the beach house that things will change between us. There was no other option. The lease is up on my apartment at the end of the month and right now we can't afford a place of our own. Maybe after the baby's born we can get our own place. I don't want to live there forever.

Of course Mr. Babbitt was upset by all this. He upped the rent, but I assured him I had the money to pay for it. He asked why I didn't just renew the lease on my apartment. I told him it was too small for a family. It's not so bad, really. I just feel uncomfortable being around the guys so much. I like them, they're like the brothers I never had, but they can interrupt at the most inappropriate times. At least they're upstairs and Mike and I will be downstairs. That will give us some privacy.

Things are still tense with Davy. I think all of us just need to sit down and talk everything out. He's still afraid Cyndie will come after him. I don't think he has anything to worry about. She did her damage and moved on.

No matter what happens, I know everything will be okay. I have Mike, he loves me, things are going to be okay. We're a family now.

I think maybe if we hadn't been in a crowded restaurant I would have kissed her right then when she walked up to my table and introduced herself. I remember it as clearly as if it had happened yesterday. She said, "Hi, I'm Jennifer and I'll be your waitress this evening." I forgot the cold and my hunger, at least for food. I was lost in the depths of her eyes. I wanted to touch her, to run my fingers through her hair, to kiss those red lips. I wanted to make love to her right then. Somehow I managed to push aside my lustful thoughts and introduce myself. I told her my name was Robert and that I wanted something to warm me up, it was so cold outside. When she returned with my food I asked her what time she got off. I explained I was just visiting New York for a few days and I wanted somebody to show me the sights. As luck would have it, she was getting off in half and hour and agreed to show me around.

An hour later I was kissing her in Central Park, both of us oblivious to the cold and the snow falling around us. We were lost in our own little world, a world where the only thing that existed were us and the incredible passion we felt for each other. I wanted her more than I ever thought possible. I didn't have much experience with girls at that point and I had never felt such a powerful need for another person as I did then. Something stopped me from going any further with her. I guess it was conscience. She was young and probably as inexperienced as I was. Still, that didn't change how I felt about her.

Two nights later there was no stopping, no turning back. We couldn't deny our feelings any longer. We didn't plan to make love, it just happened. I had seen her earlier in the day and we had made plans to go out late that evening. She was working the late shift at the restaurant and wouldn't get off until ten. I would be leaving in a few days and we wanted to spend as much time as possible together. I was supposed to pick her up after work so I was surprised when she showed up at my hotel room about 9:30 and suggested we stay in.

It was incredible. No other word can describe what happened between us that night. I lost track of how many times we made love that night. Time seem to stand still for us. We were lost in the wonder of each other, exploring, marveling in the ways we could please each other. I was lost, drowning in love, and I didn't want to be saved.

The next morning I woke up and she was gone. I was devastated. I looked for her, but she didn't want to be found. She left a note saying she loved me but she had to go away. I cut my trip short and returned home to try to get over her. It wasn't easy. Every girl I met I compared to Jennifer. No other girl was a beautiful or could please me the way she did. I wanted her back and it didn't matter what I had to do to get her. I just never imagined an unanswered phone would lead me back to the girl I had loved for so long, the girl who became the woman who will soon be my wife and the mother of my children.

It's a strange thought. Because of an unanswered phone, I'm going to be a father. It's amazing how a little thing like that can change your life.

What kind of father will I be? Sometimes the thought of being a father scares me, but I know I can't let it bother me. I'm not my father, I can't abandon my wife and child ever. Sometimes I wonder if my parents ever really loved each other the way Ellen and I do. They were young when they got married, about the same age Ellen and I were when we first met. I know my mother was pregnant with me when they got married. She's never told me that, but I did the math. Either she was pregnant or I was born three months early and that just doesn't seem logical. A woman didn't really have any other options in those days. There's not really any more options now, either, but in my mother's generation being pregnant and not married wasn't as accepted as it is now. A lot of people still don't accept it, but it happens a lot.

I still don't understand why my father left. They had been married almost six years by then. If they knew the marriage wasn't going to work out, why didn't they divorce sooner. Why did they get married in the first place? It was the "honorable" thing to do, I guess. I know people are going to say the same thing about me and Ellen getting married, but they're wrong. I didn't ask her because it's the "honorable" thing to do. I asked her because I love her and I want to spend my life with her. I was ready to ask her two months ago, but considering how things were then, I decided to wait. When she told me about the baby, it just seemed like the right time to ask her.

When she said no I thought my world was going to fall apart again. I had lost her once before, I didn't want to lose her again. I meant everything I told her about how I felt. It wasn't just some ploy to get her to change her mind, but it did. That and her noticing I spent almost every cent I had on that ring. I want her to have the best and I want my child to have all the things I didn't have growing up. That means that no matter what happens between me and Ellen, I will be there for the children. I couldn't leave them like my father did to me.

How could anyone turn their back on their children as if they didn't exist? I wonder if he ever thinks about me. Mom hasn't mentioned him in a long time and I long since stopped asking questions. I don't even remember what he looks like. Mom says I have his eyes, the same shade of brown. I think she did love him once, but it wasn't strong enough to last a lifetime.

I know the love Ellen and I have for each other is strong enough to last a lifetime. It's lasted many lifetimes before. I remember more than I want to. Most of what I do remember scares me. I remember the bad times, pain and blood and death. This time it will be different. I keep telling myself that. Just because things didn't always work out in the past doesn't mean it won't work out this time. I'm marrying Ellen and we're going to have a baby.

This may sound sexist, but I want a boy this time. I have nothing against having a daughter, but I want a son this first time. That way I can correct the mistakes of the past. I can do all the things with him that my father never did with me. I can take him fishing and camping and when he's old enough I'll teach him to play the guitar like me. Micky already bought a drum kit for the baby and he won't even be born for months now.

Micky and Peter are really excited about the baby. That's good. I was scared they would be upset about it. They've already volunteered to babysit the kid and they insist the baby will call them Uncle Micky and Uncle Peter. They're almost as excited about this and me and Ellen.

Davy, however, is a different matter. He said the house was crowded enough already without having Ellen move in and then the baby. I knew he would react this way. He's still mad about what happened in San Francisco. He's not comfortable around Ellen and she's not comfortable around him. I know it was just jealousy that made him act the way he did, but I can't trust him alone with her. I can't help but worry that he might try the same thing again.

But I trust Ellen not to do anything with him. She loves me, I love her, it's going to be okay.

Davy's still pretty much upset about the whole thing. He just needs to get over it. The way he's acting it's like he thinks Ellen got pregnant just to ruin his life. It's not making things any better between him and Mike. Mike has enough on his mind without having to worry about Davy. I just hope they get things worked out soon, hopefully before Ellen moves in. It's the holidays, they shouldn't be fighting.

When they told us the news I thought Davy was going to leave. He was mad, but he wouldn't say anything. Me and Peter were thrilled. I figured they would get engaged sooner or later so I wasn't really surprised. The baby, well, that was a bit of a surprise, but a nice surprise. I've never seen Mike as hung up on a girl as he is with Ellen. He's very protective of her, always has been, but more so now because she's pregnant. I think Mike will make a great father. He gives great advice. And that's going to be one lucky kid having Mike and Ellen as parents.

All this has got me to thinking. I think I'd like to have kids someday if the right girl comes along. Not right now, though. I've got a lot to do before I settle down. Mike isn't that much older than me, but I think he's ready to be a father. He's more mature. I guess it comes from growing up the way he did. He never really had a chance to be a child. He doesn't talk about it much, but I know they were poor and it was just him and his mother. That really bothers him, not having a father. I don't think that will affect him being a good father, though. He and Ellen really love each other a lot. That's the important thing.

I remember one time, I guess it was before Ellen went to Arizona, I had gone somewhere and when I came back, I accidentally walked in on them during a really heavy make out session. They were all over each other. They were sitting in a chair. Well, actually, Mike was sitting in a chair and Ellen was sitting in his lap. They were kissing and I swear he had his hand under her skirt. They had the light off, it was hard to tell. They were so embarrassed when they noticed I was in the room. I assured them that I hadn't really seen anything and what I had seen was nothing new to me. Still, I don't think they ever tried that again.

It sure is going to be interesting to have Ellen living here, but I think it will all work out okay. I just wish she and Mike would set a date for the wedding. They said probably after Christmas and after they go to visit his mother. They'll be gone for two weeks. I just hope nothing goes wrong here those two weeks. But I shouldn't worry about that yet. That's not for a while yet.

I'm happy. It's the holidays and I'm going to be an uncle. Now if only we could get more gigs and I could get a girl, things would be perfect.

He was wreck the whole month Ellen was gone. He didn't sleep, we had to remind him to eat, he couldn't concentrate on the music. I've only seen him like that two other times, when Ellen was sick and when they didn't speak to each other for a week. He told me a little bit then about what was going on, but not much. It's those dreams. I figured out that much on my own.

Maybe I should ask Ellen what she knows about the dreams. I'm sure he's told her. They're close like that. Maybe I won't ask her. Maybe it's none of my business. But Mike is my friend and I'm worried about him. So much has happened to him lately. He has a lot of responsibilities now. He has a family to worry about now.

I've always liked Ellen. She's perfect for Mike. An unexpected baby might tear some couples apart, but not Mike and Ellen. Somehow crisis seems to draw them closer together, like when she was sick. That brought them closer together. I guess they're one of those couples meant to be together forever. That seems to be a rare things nowadays. People can't handle crisis anymore. It tears them apart. They let minor differences grow into hatred until they can't find their way back. It's not right.

I think it's going to be great having a baby around. I love babies. Everybody will have to adjust, but I think we can handle that. I know Micky is looking forward to the baby. And Davy, well, Davy will get over it soon. I thought he would be over it by now, jealousy is just a waste of time and energy. It's not like he would ever have a chance with Ellen, even if she wasn't with Mike. She's not the type for a casual fling like Davy likes. It ironic that he's jealous of Mike and Ellen being so committed to each other, but he would never date a girl who wanted a committed relationship. I think Davy has a lot of growing up to do first.

Actually, I think this will force all of us to grow up a bit. That doesn't mean we can't still have fun, but things are going to change a lot when Ellen moves in and after she has the baby. I've already noticed a change in Mike. Something is bothering him, I just wish I knew what it was.

More than once I've heard him mumble stuff in his sleep, strange stuff, talking about people I've never heard of before. Other girls. I heard him talking about somebody named Jenny once. I found a piece of paper once, a list of names and dates and places. When I asked him about it he got mad at me for going through his stuff. I think it was a list of things he remembered from his dreams. I don't remember much of what was on that list, a few of the names, Jenny, Henry, Julie, Angela, Marc, and one of the years was 1863. He had a question mark by that one. I just wish he would tell me what's going on.

Mike's one of my best friends. We met on a plane in New York in 1964. He was going back home to Texas, I was going to California and was changing planes in Dallas. We got to talking and I ended up missing my flight. I was lucky, that plane crashed. In a weird way, Mike saved my life. I stayed the night with him and his mom. She was really nice and really pretty. I naively asked about Mike's father. She explained that they had been divorced for a long time. I could tell it was a topic that was best avoided around Mike. He couldn't disguise the pain in his eyes.

I left the next morning and it was a year before I saw Mike again. And the rest is history. I just wish there was some way I could help him.

But I am happy for him and Ellen. They can make it work, I know they can. They'll be great parents. They love each other a whole lot and that really helps.

Maybe one day soon I'll meet a girl and settle down with her. I wonder what ever happened to Miranda. I haven't seen her in a long time. She was a sweet girl and I really liked her a lot. I just never could get up the courage to ask her out on a date. And I think she liked me, too. Oh well, if it's meant to be, then we'll meet again. That's how love is sometimes. It doesn't always go the way we expect it to so we just have to be patient and let things work out like they should.

Everything is working out great for Mike and Ellen and maybe someday things will work out for me and Miranda. I can hope.

As for her moving in and marrying Mike and them having a baby, fine with me as long as things don't change too much. I don't know much about babies. I was the youngest, I was the baby. I don't have much experience with them.

What I am worried about is Cyndie. Nobody knows where she is or if they do, they're not saying. I'm scared she'll show up here one day and somebody will get hurt. If anything happened to Ellen I know Mike would never forgive me.

Maybe I'm worrying for nothing. Maybe Cyndie did all the damage she wanted to and now she's off torturing somebody else. But for some reason I don't think so. I wish I could remember what happened that night, but it's all a big blur. I remember fighting with Mike and then Cyndie taking me to her apartment. The next thing I remember is waking up the next morning. I guess I was lucky, she just gave me some really trippy drugs and the effects wore off quickly. Some poor guy got stabbed.

She would hurt Ellen if she got the chance, I know she would. I don't want that on my conscience. Things have changed now. There's a baby to think about. Of course Ellen was most likely pregnant when we were in San Francisco, but Cyndie wasn't mad enough to do anything to her then. Or maybe she just didn't want to do anything to her with Mike around.

I want to tell her I'm sorry, but it seems like every time I try to talk to her, Mike gives me this hands off look. I think he's way too protective of her. He doesn't trust me around her. I'm not going to do anything, I just want to tell her I'm truly sorry for what I did. She'll listen to me, I know she will.

I admit I was very upset when Mike told us Ellen was moving in. Why couldn't they just move into her apartment? She's got the money to pay for it, I know she does. Then they dropped that little bombshell about a baby. Great, another person, another mouth to feed. How is this going to affect the band? A year from now will we have to be canceling gigs because Mike has to stay home with a sick baby? I hope not. If the kid's sick, Ellen can stay home with it.

Mike seems determined to be a good father. That's an honorable thing, but I just hope it doesn't affect the band. Maybe I'm being selfish here, but has anybody thought how this will affect us as a group? Maybe it's too early to worry about things like that. But we need Mike. He's our leader. We're not a band without him.

I guess I'm just confused about things. I don't want things to change too much. And I don't want anybody to get hurt. Not now. Things are bad enough already. I just need to prove to Mike that I've changed. How do I do that?

I wasn't really surprised when he called me and told me he was getting married. My first reaction was to ask him what took so long. Astrologically speaking, they're compatible in every way. And those dreams. He told me that she's more open to the possibility now, that she's had dreams herself. They're learning and growing together. That's the way it should be.

Mike told me that he had the first dream the night of Ellen's birthday. That's also most likely the same time she conceived. It's all connected. He said the dreams got more detailed later on and then suddenly it was a different time. He had moved to another life. He's tried to remember as much as he can about the dreams, but it still doesn't tell me everything I need to know.

He told me he read about Bridey Murphy and it made sense to him. I've been doing some reading and I think I'm ready to help him. He'll be visiting soon and maybe I can get him to let me regress him. I think he's ready for it, too. At least he'll get some answers.

He's very happy with Ellen, of that there is no doubt. All those years he spent searching for her are over. I know about New York. He never really got over what happened then until he met Ellen. I still have the letter he wrote me from New York. He loved her so much even though he had just met her. When I saw him again I asked him what happened with her. He tried to disguise the pain in his voice, but it didn't work. I know him well enough to know when he's trying to hide something. Two words, "She left." I wanted to know more, but I knew he wouldn't tell me, at least not then. A few days later he told me everything, how he loved her, how he felt complete with her, and the pain of waking up to find she had left. He said he was tired of people leaving him. I told him that maybe it was for the best and someday he would find somebody who wouldn't leave him. It took three and a half years, but they found each other again.

History has a way of repeating itself and sometimes we're given the chance to correct the mistakes of our past. That's what's happening with Mike and Ellen now. They've been through some bad times in their pasts. Now they're getting another chance at happiness. And Mike is getting the chance to correct the mistakes made by others in his childhood. He didn't have any control over what happened then. Now he does and he won't make the same mistakes. He's determined not to be like his father.

He still hasn't told his mother that he's getting married or that Ellen is pregnant. He said he wants to tell her in person. I think he's scared to tell her and is putting it off as long as possible. I know Mike's mother very well. She raised Mike on her own and it would break her heart to find out that Mike is keeping secrets from her. I've never heard her talk about Mike's father but I remember once when I was helping Mike pack when he moved to California. That was fun for the most part. I was in his mother's room looking for something and I found a picture. It was in a drawer with a bunch of papers and stuff. It was on the bottom, as if she was trying to hide it. It was a picture of Mike and his dad on his fifth birthday. Six weeks later his father left forever.

I didn't know what to do with the picture. I didn't know if I should show it to Mike or not. I knew that if I asked his mother about it she would accuse me of snooping. I finally put the picture back in the drawer and tried to forget about it. For the most part I did forget until Mike called last week to tell me that Ellen was pregnant and they were getting married. I think there is a lot that Mike's mother hasn't told him that he needs to know. It's just a feeling I have. Secrets have a way of revealing themselves. They refuse to be buried for too long. He'll find out. I just hope it doesn't destroy him.

I stayed with her as long as I did because of Judy. I always liked her and she always liked me, too and not just as a prospective son in law. She sure loved to flirt. Too bad Ellen wasn't like that. But she must have picked up something along the way somewhere because she wasn't a virgin when I met her. I wonder if her mother knows that. Probably not.

She says she's happy with Mike. I just wonder how long that will last. They'll get tired of each other, he'll get tired of her bitching, and that will be the end of it. Then Judy will make her take me back. Things will get back to the way they were.

Things were fine until she got that independent streak. She had to prove to herself she could make it on her own. She moved out on her own, dumped me, and told her mother she was tired of the way she was treating her.

I was tired of her by then, the sex was boring and she was just using me. But she dumped me in front of my friends. That just isn't right. I let her know that. Bet she would never try that again. She fought back, though, fought hard, drew blood. But she never cried, at least not in front of me.

She hates me, I know that much. Let her hate me, I don't care. Her mother doesn't hate me. If she were more like her mother I wouldn't have had to beg her, be rough with her. Judy would do it no hesitation.

I wonder who got to her first, how old she was. It must not have been good for her because she never liked it with me. This must not bother her boyfriend. From what Judy told me, they spend a lot of time together. Maybe he likes frigid women. Some men are sick like that. Me, if I wanted it a bit wild, I went elsewhere, not to Ellen. She didn't do anything wild, just lay there.

So she's happy with her musician and they're having a kid. Good luck to them. They deserve each other. I always liked Judy better anyway.

I knew that boy was trouble the second I laid eyes on him, walking out of the bathroom after a shower. Ellen didn't even tell me she was seeing anyone. Just what she needs, to get married to some out of work musician with no future and have a houseful of kids. She wasn't raised to live like that. I give it a year tops. Once that kid is born, that boy will be running for the door and won't look back. And poor Ellen will be left alone with a baby to raise. And she'll probably come begging to me for money or a place to live.

She claims she's happy with him. How can they be happy? They don't have any money. He spent all his money on that god awful ring. They can't even afford a place of their own. They have to live with his friends. Probably a bunch of druggies or something. My daughter wasn't raised to live like that.

She had a good man with Joey. He had money, a powerful family, connections, the important things. She says she didn't love him. What's love got to do with it? I never really loved her father and we've been married for 25 years. We have money, lots of friends, we don't need love. Besides, I always liked Joey. I personally picked him for Ellen. I wanted her to have a good man, not some bum like she has now.

She's too young to have a baby. Besides, it ruins a woman's figure. It took me a long time to get my figure back after I had her. She can't afford to put on any weight, not if she wants to keep making movies. They don't put fat actresses in the lead roles.

She should have been more careful. It's not like she didn't know how to prevent it. I even offered to have it taken care of, but she refused. She's stubborn, I'll give her that much. She seems determined to ruin her life and I can't stop her. She's made her bed, now she has to lie in it. She just better not come to me looking for sympathy when she finds herself alone with a baby and no husband.

Oh well, they better pay the rent on time or I'll find somebody who will. No, I can't kick them out, not with a baby. My wife would kick me out and I don't want that to happen.

They're happy. That's important. They just better pay the rent on time and keep down the noise.