Disclaimer: All the characters here belong to Saban. None of them belong to me. I don't own any of the characters from the other shows briefly hinted at during the last part of this story. They also belong to Saban except for TTAFFBH and I have no idea who owns them. Thank you to all who replied to my question about the Yellow Ranger's weapon in Zeo, especially Jeremy Ray Logsdon, Jeff, RoccoB64, and Miko. I decided to go with nunchaku. And please don't get upset because I insulted your favorite character. It's all in fun and all of the behaviors and characteristics are extremely exaggerated.
Zordon sighed as he watched his newest team of Zeo Rangers. It had not yet been a week since Tommy, Jason, Adam, Rocky, Tanya, and Kat had felt compelled to quit. At first he hadn't really cared. After all, they each had a new Ranger to replace them. And what did it matter who was a Power Ranger as long as there was someone to battle Cogs and Mondo's monstrous creations? "God, what an @%$# I've been," Zordon murmured. He took a swig from a glass of lemonade and began to gag. What he wouldn't have given to have his whiskey back. But, no, now that he was in AA that idiot Alpha had insisted that he throw it all away.
His reverie was interrupted by the sound of glass shattering. Not even bothering to glance in the direction of the offending sound, Zordon shouted. "Richie! Emily! Clean up that glass and stop your stupid contests already! No one gives a $%#^$ which of you is the better Juice Bar worker. And leave that simulator alone. It's for Ranger business only."
"Ha!" Richie sneered at Emily, totally ignoring Zordon. "You lost this time."
"So what? You dropped the last three trays before this," retorted Emily as she picked up her tray, ignoring the broken glass.
"Bet you can't carry ten jumbo-sized pistachio chip sundaes, and three mega burger meals at the same time."
Emily folded her arms. "Quadruple or nothing? You're on!" They both ran back to the simulator.
Zordon closed his eyes and moaned. "David I've told you a thousand times this week. I can't give you new Ranger uniforms. The colors and designs are an intricate part of the ancient Zeo crystals. Even I cannot interfere with that. So don't whine about it."
"But Zooordoooon!" David's whiney voice increased in both pitch and volume. "Why not? You're lyyyying. You can too change the costumes. I hate reeeed! I hate that stupid staaar! I haaaate all these stupid cooooloooors. Please change them. Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaase!"
"Uh, well why don't you take it up with...." Zordon quickly glanced at Alpha and noticed smoke coming out of his head. "Oh, I see you've already been speaking to Alpha." He then glanced back at David who had unceremoniously flopped to the floor in a tantrum.
"I haaaate you! You're meeeeean!" David continued to whine and screech.
"All right! All right!" Zordon winced in pain. "I give up! You win! We'll change the colors. Just shut the %#@# up!"
Alpha, whose head had stopped smoking, looked up at Zordon. "But Zordon, I thought you said we couldn't...."
"Forget what I said! Just do it! I'm already getting cracks in my tube from his infernal whining."
Before Curtis could reply, Trey's fuzzy image appeared on the viewscreen. "Zordon, I received your message. Do you require assistance? Is Mondo giving you problems?" He glanced quizzically at his view of the Power Chamber. "Uh, is it me or do the Rangers look somewhat different?"
"Ooh, real observant, aren't we?" Zordon replied sarcastically. "Look, you alien schizo, I didn't call you. That klutz," he tilted his head in Curtis' direction, "fell on the communication panel. And the way these idiots are driving me crazy I'm seriously thinking of defecting to Mondo. So goodbye!" With that, Zordon deactivated the communication from his tube.
He then turned his attention to Curtis who was performing a series of spastic, uncoordinated moves. "Will you stop all that clumsy dancing already? I'm getting seasick just watching you."
"Oh, I'm just practicing some dance moves. I figure if Zack could do it, so can I. Gotta keep up with Black Ranger tradition."
"What the %*$^& are you talking about? Adam never..."
"Thud!" Curtis fell over Alpha causing him to start smoking again.
Alpha immediately stopped smoking. "Ay yi yi, sorry, Zordon."
"Never mind. Please turn on the viewing screen. It's time for "All My Floating Heads."
"Ay yi yi," said Alpha as he tried to adjust the screen, "It's just showing random numbers. I can't get it to work."
"Well fix it! I want to see if Sally-head stays with Sammy-head or if she goes back to Larry-head."
"Right away, Zordon." Alpha turned around and tripped over several wires that had been attached to the back of the viewing screen.
"Raymond!" Zordon boomed, noticing the wires for the first time. "Leave the computers and machinery alone!"
Raymond peeked up from behind the viewing screen. "But Zordon, I know I can get this thing to show more channels. And I can get a clearer picture."
"Oh yeah," Zordon sneered as the Power Chamber shook from the fourth explosion that day, "just like the way you 'fixed' the invisibility shield. It's lucky our defense shield is still up or those bombs of Mondo's would've finished us by now."
"Hey!" Raymond jumped up and ran to the shield console. "I could add enough power to them to stop us from shaking."
Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at Raymond in horror. "No!" They all screamed at him.
"Ok, ok," Raymond reluctantly removed his hands from the console. "Sheesh."
"Don't bother me!" she growled. "I can do it myself. I don't need your help."
Zordon groaned. "What the %#@#& are you talking about, Penny? No one's even bothering you. And you're not doing anything that would require help anyway. You're just standing there and shouting like an idiot."
Penny paused in her tirade and turned her head towards Zordon's voice. "I'm just practicing, Zordon. If I've got to be fighting monsters, I don't want anyone to help me just because I can't see."
"Your being blind has nothing to do with it. Rangers always help each other out. That's called teamwo...."
"I can beat these cogs on my own!" Penny resumed her tirade. "Don't you kick them for me!"
Zordon sighed. "Never mind."
"Rangers?" Bulk huffed as he finished sweeping up the broken glass. "You could get monkeys that would be better Power Rangers than these guys."
"Yeah, monkeys," Skull concurred as he worked to put the viewing screen back to normal.
Bulk turned around to glare at his best friend. "Why do you always copy what I say?" he asked.
"Yeah, copy what you....oops, sorry force of habit," Skull grinned sheepishly.
"Dweep, dweep, dweep!"
"Ay yi yi!" Mondo's sent some Cogs down to Angel Grove Park! And there's an awful lot of them!"
"Rangers," Zordon boomed. "You must teleport to the park and defeat them."
"But Zooordon!" David whined. "What about the new costumes? You prooomised!"
"Fine!" Zordon quickly said before David could go into another tantrum. "I got them ready. Show them the schematics, Alpha."
As the Rangers saw their new uniforms on the viewing screen, all of them except David and Penny groaned in disbelief.
"Penny, I also had Alpha design a new helmet for you which will help you in your fights."
Penny scowled. "I don't need no....." She shuddered as Zordon began to breathe heavily and swear under his breath. "Uh, I mean thanks, thanks a lot," she stated quickly with a painted on smile.
Zordon stopped swearing. "That's more like it. Now, go morph and stop those Cogs."
"Aw, do we have to?" Emily stared at her costume in disgust.
"Yeah, these costumes really hurt my eyes." Curtis added.
"At least our costumes didn't get changed," Skull muttered to Bulk.
"That's because they're already idiotic, you idiot," Bulk growled back.
"Shut up! Its bad enough I have to hear that one whining," Zordon nodded his head toward David. "I don't need to hear it from the rest of you. Now Morph!"
"Zeo Ranger 1- Paisley Puce," groaned Emily.
"Zeo Ranger 2- Striped Sepia," shouted Penny.
"Zeo Ranger 3- Plaid Periwinkle," groaned Richie.
"Zeo Ranger 4- Checkered Chartreuse," groaned Curtis.
"Zeo Ranger 5- Marbled Maroon," shouted David gleefully.
"Herringbone Burnt Umber Ranger Power," groaned Raymond.
"Polka-Dot Ranger Power!" shouted Bulk.
"Zigzag Ranger Power!" shouted Skull.
"And may the power protect you," Zordon said as the Rangers teleported out. "Lord knows that bunch'll need all the help they can get."
Scene 2- Juice Bar
Six teenagers, who until a week ago had been part of a brave defense force known as the Power Rangers sat around a large table in the back of Ernie's Juice Bar. Rocky was studying the help wanted section of the Angel Grove Gazette and Tommy was running a search for jobs on Billy's old laptop. Kat, who was flipping through the latest issue of Vogue, kept giving Jason an occasional kick under the table. Jason for his own part did not appear to notice and instead focused on admiring his own well-developed biceps. Meanwhile, Tanya worked on her nails, filing them to sharp points, and giving an occasional wicked grin at Adam who seemed more than a little unnerved.
"What is it with you women and your need to have those long claws at the end of your fingers?" Adam mumbled.
"So, Adam," Tanya asked, ignoring his question. "Do you want to come over my house tonight? We could watch videos, make popcorn...."
In a flash, Adam's face went from shy to excited. "Whoa, yes!"
Tanya paused in her filing and began to critically examine her nails. "I only asked if you wanted to come to my house. Nothing more. My parents are going to be home. Oh, and you just answered your own question. Hey, Kat, do you have any of that cherry red nail polish on you?"
"Sure," Kat dug the bottle out of her purse and handed it to Tanya who proceeded to color her nails.
Adam's face visibly deflated and he shyly hung his head again.
Rocky suddenly jumped up, knocking his half-eaten double fudge sundae onto the front of Kat's rose pink t-shirt. She turned her glare from Jason to Rocky. "Hey!" she began to growl at him. "What the #@% do you think....."
"Wow!" Jason shouted, finally looking away from his own biceps to stare at her soaked t-shirt. "Kat's not wearing a bra!"
Kat stopped her tirade on Rocky to glare once again at Jason. "Pig!" she shouted, covering her chest with her arms. She then ran into the ladies' room in tears.
"No need to be embarrassed about them," Jason called after her. "You'll develop one day soon."
Rocky who was still standing began to wave his newspaper in the air excitedly "Hey! Here's a great ad! It's perfect!" He began to read in a halting manner. "St..strong...bra....umm...brave....ten....no uh....teen....teenagers....need...needed to...."
"I've got it!" Tommy interrupted.
"Whatever you got, don't give it to me," Jason absent mindedly commented.
"Ha ha" Tommy grumbled.
"What is it, Tommy?" Kat gave one last sniff as she returned to her seat, her shirt adequately dried from the restroom's hand dryer.
"Well, we're all young and good looking so why don't we just get jobs as go-go.....
"Ahem, Tommy, kids' show? The censors and all that?" Tanya said.
"....go err go-kart repair technicians."
"Uh, nice try," Adam snorted, "but I don't think that's even a real job."
"Listen, guys" Rocky shouted. "Strong, brave teenagers needed to...de...uh...de."
Tommy pressed a few keys in utter boredom. A second later, he pounded the table in excitement. This caused his own super-sized kiwi smoothie to fall onto Kat's lap and soak her thin cotton pants. "Holy %*$*#*" Jason gasped, "Kat's not even wearing any....."
"Shut up, bastard!" Kat screeched as she once again ran to the bathroom in tears.
Tommy, ignoring his girlfriend's plight pointed excitedly to the laptop screen. "Look at this! Here's a great way for us to make a lot of money."
"How Tommy?" Tanya sighed.
"According to this, all we have to do is send a dollar to each person on this list and then write our names on the bottom of the list."
"Uh, Tommy? Hello in there?" Tanya began to knock on his head. "That's a very well known scam."
"Really?" Rocky looked up >from his ad in bewilderment. "Gee, I was wondering why the money hasn't been coming in yet."
Ernie walked by the table. "Hey, why are you guys looking for jobs?"
"Err, ahh," Adam hesitated, "we kind of lost our old ones. We need something to replace them."
"Really? But I always thought you Power Rangers worked for free."
"Are you for real?" Tommy squeaked, "we charge Zordon by the mons....."
Tanya clamped her hand on his mouth. "Shhh, Ernie, you know we were Power Rangers?"
Ernie sighed and rolled his eyes. "Of course, Bulk and Skull knew, didn't they?"
"So if those two bumbling idiots could figure it out, so could everyone else."
"Everyone else?" gasped Adam.
"Hey," Jason chirped, "maybe we could charge them for autographs and to answer any questions they may have."
"You mean sell out?!?" exclaimed Tommy. "We can't do that. What about not using the powers for personal gain?"
"Uh, what powers?" asked Kat as she once again returned from the ladies' room. "Remember, Zordon dumped us for those idiots."
"Oh, that's right," replied Tommy. "Well then, I guess it's ok. Hey Ernie, do you think we could set up a question and answer booth here? We'll give you a cut in the profits."
"Actually there's only one question we want to ask all of you."
"Oh? And what is that?"
Suddenly, a pair of nunchaku shattered a window, crashing into a nearby table and sweeping off the plates and glasses of its occupants.
"Sorry about that!" A female voice yelled through the window.
Everyone turned to the former Rangers and shouted. "Will you PLEASE get your Ranger jobs back?"
Scene 3: Angel Grove Park "Ok!" Bulk shouted as the Rangers materialized in Angel Grove Park. "Let's crush these walking tin cans as quickly as possible."
He and Skull nodded to each other and then began to fight the cogs.
David attempted to sidekick a cog as it approached him from the left. But it managed to flip over his outstretched leg and land neatly on its feet. David then tried to kick its legs out from under it, but the cog jumped out of the way again. The momentum of his kick caused David to unceremoniously fall on his butt.
"No fair!" David whined as he sat on the dry grass. "He's cheating! Tell him to stop cheating!" He laid on his stomach and began to beat and kick the ground in a screeching tantrum. The cogs closest to him began to bang their own heads on trees and park benches in agony from the sound, dismantling themselves in the process.
"Stop that nonsense and fight!" Bulk shouted to him.
"I caaaaannn't. They don't fight faaaiiiirrr!" David continued to screech.
"Of course they don't fight fair, you idiot!" Bulk growled at him.
"NOOOO FAAAAIIIRRR!" David screeched. "You're TEEEEAAAAASSSSSIIIIING MEEEEEE!" He continued to scream and pound the ground.
Bulk opened his mouth to say more to David, then closed it and shook his head.
"Now this is the way to do it," stated Richie as he carefully balanced his frisbee on one hand.
"Yeah right," Emily countered as she ran past him. "No wonder Ernie dumped you. You must've driven his customers away in droves by making them wait for your slow service."
"At least I didn't put the customers at risk of embarrassment the way you must be if you're serving them in such a careless manner. How many smoothies have you managed to dump on people's heads by now anyway?"
"Elev.....hey!" Emily threw one of her rocks at Richie.
"You know this means war," he retaliated with a rock of his own. They continued to throw rocks each other. Although their bad aims caused them to miss each other, they did manage to hit the cogs nearest them, deactivating them.
"Hey you two!" Skull shouted as he deflected a strike to his chest. "Stop your stupid contest, drop those frisbees, and get over here and help...." He noticed the rocks dismantling the cogs. "....uh, never mind."
He climbed out of the pond and plopped himself on the grass. "I'm a failure," he moaned.
"Forget the stupid dance steps, and just kick some cogs!" Bulk hollered across to him just before getting tackled by two cogs.
Ignoring Bulk, Curtis pulled out a trumpet he had somehow managed to stow in his pocket and began to play the blues. The cogs closest to him began to shiver and fall apart from the screeching disonance that came from the horn.
"Talk about your computer addict," Bulk mumbled. "Yo, Raymond!" he hollered, "we could really use your help here!"
"Bulk!" Skull called to his friend as he dodged a cog's punch. "Didn't Billy used to help the old Rangers by making a lot of great devices for them? Maybe that's what he's doing."
"Is that it, Raymond? Are you making something to help us with this battle? What is it? A new type of weapon or shield?" Bulk edged closer to Raymond as he spoke. "Whew!" he jumped back before he could get close enough to see the computer screen. "When was the last time you got off that thing long enough to bathe?!"
"Yes!!! Raymond shouted, pounding the air with his left fist. "2000 points! Uh, did you say something, Bulk?" Raymond got off the swing and began to walk toward him. Cogs began to spontaneously combust as he went past them.
"Never mind!" Bulk shouted in a tinny voice as he held his nose and backed away. "Just go back to the swing and continue whatever you were doing. We'll take care of the cogs ourselves."
Raymond shrugged his shoulders and headed back to the swings, causing more cogs to combust as he passed them.
"Whoa!" Skull ducked. "Watch where you're tossing that thing!"
"You've got to be kidding," Penny retorted as she continued to fling her weapon. The other Rangers began to duck her swings, some of which hit cogs and some of which landed in less desirable places. "Sorry about that!" she hollered as she heard glass shattering in the direction of the Juice Bar.
Scene 4: Machine Empire Skybase "I got it!" Mondo shouted happily as he viewed the ongoing battle. "I know just how to defeat these so-called Rangers."
"What are you gonna do, Pop?" asked Sprocket. "Kidnap them? Send a really fierce monster? Give the cogs better wea...."
"Hush, Dear," Machina gently bopped her son on the head with her ever-present fan. "Your father is speaking."
"Ahem," Mondo cleared his throat. "As I was saying, I know just what to do to win this fight." He called Klank and Orbus over and conversed with them for a minute.
"Aye, Your Majesty," Klank said with a bow, "that is a perfect plan. We'll get right on it." A few minutes later, he and Orbus teleported to the park with a large box.
Scene 5: Back in Angel Grove Park
"Klank and Orbus are here!" Skull announced when he noticed the pair standing on a nearby building.
"What for?" Bulk gasped as he received a punch from a cog. "There're no monsters here for them to grow."
"Hey Cogs! Presents from King Mondo! Catch!" With that, Klank flung the box at the playground and he and Orbus teleported back to the Skybase.
The contents fell out of the box and magically fell on the cogs as needed. Earmuffs appeared on those cogs nearest to David and Curtis, effectively blocking out the hideous sounds they were making. Armor appeared on the ones near Richie and Emily, as well as Penny. This helped them to effectively deflect the blows from the flying rocks as well as from Penny's nunchaku. Finally, clothespins appeared on those cogs closest to Raymond, making it easier for them to approach him. In practically no time, the cogs had begun to overwhelm the Rangers.
"I think we're in trouble," Raymond shouted as a cog grabbed his arms.
"No duh," said Bulk who had found himself trapped in a cog circle. "Whatever gave you that idea?"
"What should we do?" Richie asked as several of the cogs backed him into a tree.
"Try fighting them," Skull growled as he tried to kick at the two cogs holding him, "that's what Rangers normally do."
Scene 6: Back at the Skybase
"It's working, your Majesty!" Klank announced as he reappeared in the Machine King's throne room.
"Yes! Victory is mi......WHAT THE...?!?!" King Mondo exclaimed as the cogs suddenly stopped moving. "SPROCKET!!!!" He bellowed.. How many times have I told you not to use the cogs' batteries in those %#$@ toys of yours?"
"Hey Mom, Dad just said a dirty word." said Sprocket.
Machina whacked Mondo on the head with her fan. "Dear, please! Watch your language. Swearing in front of a child, whatever will the censors think?"
Mondo bowed his head. "Sorry dear, I forgot."
Scene 7: Once again at the park
"What happened?" asked Penny when the cog holding her suddenly disappeared.
"I don't know," answered Bulk. "Let's get back to the Power Chamber."
Scene 8: Power Chamber
"Welcome back, Rangers," Zordon sneered sarcastically after they had teleported back to the Power Chamber. "I really want to congratulate you on the *wonderful* way you fought those cogs."
"Thanks, Zordon!" Emily chirped brightly.
"Oh shut up, you idiot. Damn and I thought Kat was bad." Zordon glared at the team. "After seeing that pathetic performance, I've decided to get some new Rangers."
"Won't that make it crowded in here?" asked Curtis.
Zordon sighed. "Not if I make some room." A second later, David, Curtis, Emily, Richie, and Raymond found themselves powerless.
"Hey, wait a minute! What about Penny?" David whined. "Why are you letting her stay? No fair!"
"Because aside from Bulk and Skull she's the only one who at least tried to fight. Although it was too bad about the Juice Bar window. Now, goodbye." With that, he quickly transported them out.
"See you, wouldn't want to be you," Penny called after them as they left.
"Penny," said Zordon, "I want to commend you on your attempts to defeat the cogs. But we will have to work on your fighting abilities. Perhaps I should get you the preschool version of that audio tape in your hel..." He paused as Penny began pressing buttons on the viewing globe.
"All right, Baby!" She whistled as the Playgirl channel came on. "Show me that bod..." She heard Zordon breathing heavily again. "Uh oh," she said meekly as she looked up to his tube.
"Hold the phone there, Missy," boomed Zordon. "You can SEE?!?!"
"Ay yi yi!" exclaimed Alpha. "It's a miracle!"
"Miracle, my %&%# ass. Looks more to me like we've got a real con artist here."
"Hey, I've got to make a living somehow," Penny retorted. "What better way than to make a lot of money than to just pretend I'm a blind karate expert? Everyone pays me top dollar just to see me do my act."
"I know exactly the type of act I would've paid to see you perform," Zordon sighed.
"Shut up, you dirty old pervert," growled Penny.
"Nevertheless, I can't have you being a Power Ranger." Penny suddenly found herself without her powers.
"What? Just because of a teeny weeny white lie?"
"No, because now I can't excuse that crappy fighting you did. In fact I'll be forwarding all of the repair bills we'll be receiving from Angel Grove citizens to you. Now get out of here." With that, Zordon teleported Penny out.
"Ay yi yi, Zordon," Alpha whined, "Now who can we get to fight King Mondo's monsters."
"You still have us," said Bulk as he paused in his attempts to fix Raymond's *repair* work on the invisibility shield.
Zordon snorted. "Oh, really? And do you plan to fight all of the monsters by yourselves?"
Bulk quicky shut up and went back to work.
Zordon stared thoughtfully at Alpha. "Alpha, would you...."
"Oh no, Zordon. I can't do it. But then again....oh do you really think I could? Oh, ay yi yi, this is all happening too fast."
"What the #@*@& are you talking about, you half-witted rust bucket?" asked Zordon. "I was just going to ask you to do a computer search for me."
"Oh, hehe," laughed Alpha in embarrassment. "What am I searching for? You've already got all the pictures from the Sally-head porn site."
"No, no, this time I want you to do a search using the words "California" and "superheroes." See what you come up with. If we're lucky we'll find someone to replace those losers."
"Ok, searching now....." said Alpha. "Results are coming up on the viewscreen."
"What are they?" asked Skull when he saw three metallically clad bug-like fighters. "Those costumes are great!"
"Hmmmph," said Zordon as he watched these superheroes go back to their civilian identities. They're just kids. There is no way that I'll ever have children fight for me."
"Then how about those three?" Bulk said as he watched yet another trio of superheroes unmorph. "Those aren't kids. They certainly look like they can help us."
Zordon shook his head. "They only fight virtual monsters. They'd probably just crumple like crybabies if faced with real ones."
"I really don't think..." Bulk stopped as he saw Zordon scowling at him. "Uh, never mind. What's next, Alpha?"
"Ay yi yi," what about this team, Zordon?" Alpha made the next set of superheroes appear.
"Ahhhhhhhh!" everyone yelled.
"Get rid of it! Quick!" Skull groaned as he covered his eyes. "Who the $@#% put those tattooed weirdos on a webpage?"
"Ay yi yi, Zordon, I really don't think we'll find any help this way."
"Keep looking Alpha," ordered Zordon. "There has to be a team out there somewhere that can help us."
To Be Continued (maybe)
Will Zordon, Alpha 5, Bulk, and Skull ever find a new team to help them? Will
the former Rangers ever find jobs? Will I be able to complete the next fanfic
in less than a year? Will I ever stop being confused? Tune in next time (I hope)
for at least some answers to these mind-boggling questions.