Ahh, Women!

Everday I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
I can justify any shopping spree
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on

Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass
I always save money by using coupons
Can admit to others when I am wrong

Don't drive in circles at any cost
So I don't have to admit when I am lost
Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon
Every time I go to the john

Let me tell you men
Listen to me boys
Those things in your pants
That you treat as toys
You love them more then we ever will
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill

I spend two hours preparing for a date
Only to find you're two hours late
I don't watch movies with lots of gore
Don't need instant replay to remember the score

I won't lose my hair
I don't get jock itch
And just cause I'm assertive
Don't call me a bitch

I don't wear the same underwear everyday
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay
I don't go to Sears
To look at the tools
I don't cheat at poker
I follow the rules

I don't smoke cigars
Don't pay for drinks at bars
I don't punch my friends just to say "Hi"
And it's okay for me to cry

I know all you men
Think that you're "IT"
But compared to a woman
You just ain't SHIT!

Woman's Instructions Book
  1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, you're aiming too high.
  2. Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it- yourself types.
  3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.
  4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
  5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
  6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.
  7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
  8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
  9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
  10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.
  11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he does.
  12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.
  13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them.
  14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets.
  15. Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
  16. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop" (unless they're used together).
  17. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.
  18. If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day and he will be back to his usual self.
  19. All men are like chickens with their heads cut off when they see beautiful women pass by.
  20. If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking at you all of a sudden he is probably checking out the women behind you.
  21. Figuring out men is like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle in a car. Once you think you have it all put together, you find another piece but you don't know where it goes.

A heart is not a play thing,
A heart is not a toy,
But if you want it broken,
Just give it to a boy.

Boys they like to play with things
To see what makes them run,
But when it comes to kissing,
They do it just for fun.

Boys never give their hearts away
They play us girls for fools,
They wait until we give our hearts
And then they play it cool.

You will wonder where he is at night
You will wonder if he's true,
One moment you will be happy,
One moment you will be blue.

If you get a chance to see him
Your heart begins to dance
Your life revolves around him,
There's nothing like romance.

And then it starts to happen,
You worry day and night
You see, my friend, you're losing him
It never turns out right.

Boys are great, though immature
The price you pay is high,
He may seem sweet and gorgeous
But remember, he's a guy.

Don't fall in love with just a boy
That takes a lot of nerve.
You see, my friend, you need a man
To get what you deserve.

So when you think that you're in love,
Be careful if you can
Before you give your heart away
Make sure that he's a man.