Ways to Rid Oneself of a Stalker (For Patti)

The following was sent in interoffice email from me and several others, to a coworker who was having problems with a man in an adjacent building staring at her through her window. I kid you not.

I spoke to my pals Derek, Fred, and Shelby here in COMM, and the four of us consulted with David for a solution to your problem. Following are our suggestions. Take them into advisement, and I'm sure your problem will be solved in no time.


  1. Set up an alter to Baal. Worship at it. (Flash paper and dry ice for effects is a plus.)
  2. Stare right back at him. Take notes.
  3. Put up an easel and start sketching him.
  4. One word: Semaphore.
  5. Get a pair of opera glasses and some long white gloves. Clap daintily at him whenever he moves.
  6. Send morse code messages with your blinds.
  7. Cut out giant snowflakes from the newspaper. Tape them to window.
  8. Cut out words from newspaper headlines. Create nonsensical, semi-psychotic sentences on the window.
  9. Pace around your office pretending to have a deep conversation with yourself. Hand gestures are a plus.
  10. Get a life-size cardboard cut-out from the movie or TV show of your choice. Talk to it. Intimately.
  11. Bring a fly-swatter and, every now and then, chase non-existent creatures around the room.
  12. Draw single eyes on the backs of 50 post it notes; place in scattered fashion on window.
  13. Place a butcher block and LARGE carving knives on the window sill.
  14. Prior to leaving for a vacation, put yellow police barrier tape around the room.
  15. Do the Shangalang!
  16. Fake your death.
  17. Make him see it's hopeless. Stage gratuitous make-out session with attractive member of opposite sex.
  18. Make him see it's *really* hopeless. Stage gratuitous make-out session with attractive member of same sex.
  19. One word: flamethrower.