Ways to Rid Oneself of a Stalker (For Patti)
The following was sent in interoffice email from me and several others,
to a coworker who was having problems with a man in an adjacent building
staring at her through her window. I kid you not.
I spoke to my pals Derek, Fred, and Shelby here in COMM, and the four
of us consulted with David for a solution to your problem. Following are
our suggestions. Take them into advisement, and I'm sure your problem
will be solved in no time.
- Set up an alter to Baal. Worship at it. (Flash paper and dry ice
for effects is a plus.)
- Stare right back at him. Take notes.
- Put up an easel and start sketching him.
- One word: Semaphore.
- Get a pair of opera glasses and some long white gloves. Clap daintily
at him whenever he moves.
- Send morse code messages with your blinds.
- Cut out giant snowflakes from the newspaper. Tape them to window.
- Cut out words from newspaper headlines. Create nonsensical, semi-psychotic
sentences on the window.
- Pace around your office pretending to have a deep conversation with
yourself. Hand gestures are a plus.
- Get a life-size cardboard cut-out from the movie or TV show of your
choice. Talk to it. Intimately.
- Bring a fly-swatter and, every now and then, chase non-existent creatures
around the room.
- Draw single eyes on the backs of 50 post it notes; place in scattered
fashion on window.
- Place a butcher block and LARGE carving knives on the window sill.
- Prior to leaving for a vacation, put yellow police barrier tape around
- Do the Shangalang!
- Fake your death.
- Make him see it's hopeless. Stage gratuitous make-out session with
attractive member of opposite sex.
- Make him see it's *really* hopeless. Stage gratuitous make-out session
with attractive member of same sex.
- One word: flamethrower.