Notice of Revocation of Independence
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thu
to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which
she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair,
MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is
a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without
the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any
of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:
- You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally,
you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such
as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed."
- There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf.
- You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isn't that hard.
- Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
the good guys.
- You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.
- You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside
your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.
You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.
It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be
allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but
does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing
full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together
at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
- You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that
there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t."
- July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
- All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
- Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.