83 Signs You Have a Drinking Problem
- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
- Job interfering with your drinking.
- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
- Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
- The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
- Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
- 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
- Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
- "Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar.
- When you can focus better with one eye closed
- The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
- Every woman you see has an exact twin.
- You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
- If you keep asking your wife "where are the kids?", but you don't
really have a wife and you're talking to the refridgerator.
- You fall off the floor.
- You discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.
- Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
- Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, replaced it with "Red Dog."
- Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
- Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
- The glass keeps missing your mouth.
- Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
- When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
- Vampires get woozy after bitting you.
- The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.
- At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
- Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
- When vomiting becomes a relief.
- Having a hard time staying on the side walk - left, right, stumble,
- You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.
- Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!
- You think the four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol,
- Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more attractive.
- Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
- Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
- No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're just sober...
- Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down....No Problem
- If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol
- Take me drunk, I'm home!
- The bottle's empty...that's the problem!
- Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.
- You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.
- Roseanne looks good.
- Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
- You drink to get over a hangover.
- That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
- You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver's liscense.
- The Whisky Ain't Working Anymore.
- Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past
- You have a reserved parking space at the A&P.
- I'm as jober as a sudge!
- You consider yourself a workaholic, becuase every time you go to
work, you want to have a beer!
- I slept with that damned pink elephant again.
- Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
- Newt Gingrich.... he's soooo sexy.
- You find yourself in a room on a train arriving in Tiajuana and the
last thing you remember is being in a bar in NYC!
- Your name is Ted Kennedy.
- You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is
the Fourth of July party in Waikiki.
- Red dog upside down looks like batman eating a catwoman.
- You've fallen and you can't/(don't want to) get up.
- You don't drink. (That's a problem!)
- When hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.
- BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
- Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join AA.
- The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering.
- Do you take this woman.....
- You wake up too groggy to come up with anything funny for this damn
- You realize you have shaved your head except for a little rat tail
hanging from the top and you're pestering people to buy incense & crap.
- Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie, and Jose.
- Double vision so much the norm, you can't function w/o it.
- You listen to the radio and start dancing to hootie and the blowfish.
- Because you're not as think you are drunk I am...
- Salt, sugar, grease, carbohydrates - yes, alcohol is the fifth food
- Your favorite drink is ethanol.
- Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?!
- You can't remember what your family looks like... or if you have
- You wake up surrounded by 50 dented cases of SPAM.
- You like SPAM.
- You get defensive when someone asks if you have drinking problem.
- Haven't stopped drinking since Carter got elected.
- I don't have a drinking prob..pleb..prub.. Pash me another, tarbender.
- You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your)