New Sayings That Should Be Put On Buttons
Contributed by Vera
- Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
- Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
- Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
- A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
- Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
- Do I look like a freakin' people person?
- This isn't an office--it's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
- I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
- I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
- If I throw a stick, will you leave?
- You! Off my planet!
- Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
- Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control.
- Bottomless pit of needs and wants.
- I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
- Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
- If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes
on my cat.
- Does your train of thought have a caboose?
- Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
- Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
- Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
- And just how may I screw you over today?
- And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
- I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
- If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil....
- See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
- A PBS mind in an MTV world.
- Allow me to introduce my selves.
- Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
- Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
- Better living through denial.
- Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
- Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after
- Adult child of alien invaders.
- Do they ever shut up on your planet?
- I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
- Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
- I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
- I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
- A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
- Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't
fallen asleep yet.
- Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards.
- After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
- Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
- Back off! You're standing in my aura.
- I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
- Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
- Adults are just kids who owe money.
- One of us is thinking about sex.... OK, it's me.
- How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
- I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
- I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
- You say I'm a b*tch like it's a bad thing.
- Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
- Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!
- Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
- Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
- Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
- Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
- Chaos, panic, and disorder--my work here is done.
- A woman's favorite position is CEO.
- Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. (Or, as Buffett sings, "Indecision
may or may not be my problem")
- You look like sh*t. Is that the style now?
- Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside
- Earth is full. Go home.
- Is it time for your medication or mine?
- Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch
- I plead contemporary insanity.
- And which dwarf are you?
- I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
- I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
- How do I set a laser printer to stun?
- It ain't the size, it's..... no wait--it is the size.
- Meandering to a different drummer.
- I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
- I majored in Liberal Arts. Will that be for here or to go?
- How can a person be so stupid and still breathe...?
- I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's
not looking good either.
- I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make
as they go flying by.
- Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
- I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
- Someday we'll look back on this and plow into a parked car.
- There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through
a suitable application of high explosives.
- Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without
- Somedays you're the pigeon, and somedays you're the statue.
- Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the
first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
- I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
- Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars and thought to myself--"Where
the hell is the ceiling?"
- My reality check bounced.
- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
- I don't suffer from stress--I'm a carrier.....
- You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter!
- Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz, like, you're crunchy
and taste good with ketchup.
- Everybody is somebody else's weirdo...
- Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then
beat you with experience