New Sayings That Should Be Put On Buttons

  1. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
  2. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
  3. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
  4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
  5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
  6. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
  7. This isn't an office--it's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
  8. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
  9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
  10. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
  11. You! Off my planet!
  12. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
  13. Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control.
  14. Bottomless pit of needs and wants.
  15. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
  16. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
  17. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
  18. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
  19. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
  20. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
  21. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
  22. And just how may I screw you over today?
  23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
  24. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
  25. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil....
  26. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
  27. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
  28. Allow me to introduce my selves.
  29. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
  30. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
  31. Better living through denial.
  32. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  33. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.
  34. Adult child of alien invaders.
  35. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
  36. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
  37. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
  38. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
  39. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
  40. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
  41. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
  42. Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards.
  43. After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
  44. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
  45. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
  46. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
  47. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
  48. Adults are just kids who owe money.
  49. One of us is thinking about sex.... OK, it's me.
  50. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
  51. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
  52. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
  53. You say I'm a b*tch like it's a bad thing.
  54. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
  55. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!
  56. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
  57. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
  58. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
  59. Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
  60. Chaos, panic, and disorder--my work here is done.
  61. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
  62. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. (Or, as Buffett sings, "Indecision may or may not be my problem")
  63. You look like sh*t. Is that the style now?
  64. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
  65. Earth is full. Go home.
  66. Is it time for your medication or mine?
  67. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?
  68. I plead contemporary insanity.
  69. And which dwarf are you?
  70. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
  71. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
  72. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
  73. It ain't the size, it's..... no wait--it is the size.
  74. Meandering to a different drummer.
  75. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
  76. I majored in Liberal Arts. Will that be for here or to go?
  77. How can a person be so stupid and still breathe...?
Contributed by Vera Clare Alcorn:
  1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either.
  2. I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
  3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
  4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
  5. Someday we'll look back on this and plow into a parked car.
  6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
  7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
  8. Somedays you're the pigeon, and somedays you're the statue.
  9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
  10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
  11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars and thought to myself--"Where the hell is the ceiling?"
  12. My reality check bounced.
  13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  14. I don't suffer from stress--I'm a carrier.....
  15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter!
  16. Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz, like, you're crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
  17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo...
  18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience