The Top 16 Signs Your Date's Not an English Major

16. Thinks Jack London is a character on General Hospital.

15. Has legally changed her name to "Slutty Spice."

14. Won't stop talking about the time he bit Holyfield's ear.

13. Wants to buy the novel of the Mr. Bean movie.

12. The two of you constantly argue about which "Homer" came first.

11. Giggles uncontrollably whenever you bring up "Moby Dick."

10. Thinks "Elements of Style" was written by Elsa Klensch.

9. The last time s/he completed a sentence, s/he was at Attica.

8. "You gots no condom, you gets no party", was your last clue.

7. "Of *course* I've read Walden. And it only took me 10 minutes to find him!"

6. Ask him/her to conjugate a verb and s/he starts talking and belching at the same time.

5. Doesn't have a lot of free weekends due to busy schedule as NASCAR commentator.

4. Thinks "Beowolf" is a show starring David Hasselhoff.

3. Favorite poem deals with a man from Nantucket.

2. When you ask if s/he has any Grey Poupon, s/he says, "Hey, don't be gross!"

...and the Number 1 Sign Your Date's Not an English Major...

1. You: "Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day?" Him/Her: "Dude! That would be, like, totally bitchin'!"