I struggled with the two bags of groceries as I climbed the stairs to my apartment. The winter wind seemed to cut right through me. I should have known better than to go out in this weather without a heavier coat, but I didn't have one. Besides, the store was just across the road.

I wouldn't be gone too long. The car was broken down again and it would be a few days before my brother-in-law could get the parts for it. I shouldn't have gone out, but it was my turn to bring the black eyed peas to dinner New Year's Day and I didn't have any. I hardly ate them any other time of the year.

I finally reached my apartment, wishing for the millionth time I had a place on the ground floor. I had rented this apartment because of the great view overlooking the pool and the balcony, but both were useless in the winter. Especially this winter. The cold weather had settled in early and didn't show any signs of letting up. It had even snowed more often than not, which was extremely rare. The children had enjoyed it. I smiled at the memory of my nieces and nephews running around in the snow, laughing with delight and their round faces red from the cold. Then I felt a tear roll down my cheek as I thought about how there should have been another child playing in the snow with his cousins.

I wiped the tear away and opened the door to my apartment. That was the past and I couldn't change it. I had made plenty of mistakes in my life, but my parents had forgiven me. But I couldn't forgive myself.

I set the bags down on the counter and began to pull out the things that would go in the refrigerator. Most of the stuff was for dinner at my parents house on New year's Day. It was a tradition that we get together for the holidays. I always felt a bit left out, being single and not having any children. Except for last Christmas. I had been married with a baby on the way. But not anymore. I was no longer married, there was no baby, and I didn't have much of a future.

I finished putting the groceries away and was headed for the living room when I happened to glance at the calender on the wall. Today was Mike's birthday. No wonder I was in such a bad mood.

I needed a drink. Thinking about my ex-husband always depressed me. We had met two years before at a party where he was playing guitar. I was instantly attracted to him and was surprised to find that he liked me, too. I hadn't dated in high school and certainly didn't think I was pretty enough to date somebody like Mike. He was tall with long dark hair and the most beautiful brown eyes I had ever seen. I couldn't help but fall in love with him. We were together as much as possible. My family thought it was great that I was dating, but that maybe it wasn't a good thing to be so involved. Of course I didn't listen to them.

That summer I found out I was pregnant. I was scared, but Mike assured me that everything would be okay. We got married two weeks after my birthday, which happened to be Halloween. I should have known then it wouldn't work out. I tried, I really did, but some things aren't meant to be. My marriage to Mike was one of those things.

That was enough reminising for now. I fixed my drink and was about to walk back to the living room when I heard the door open and footsteps as someone approached. I wasn't expecting anybody and my family always called before coming over. I opened a drawer and pulled out a knife. Whoever it was, I was prepared to defend myself.

I didn't recognize the person as he came into view. He was very thin with long greasy hair and a beard. Probably some bum looking for a warm place to sleep, I figured. It may have been a small town, but we had a few homeless people, crazies from the city or ex-cons with no place to go.

He looked right at me and smiled. "Hi, Karmyn," he said.

I dropped the knife. I would have recognized that voice anywhere. It was Mike.

If he hadn't said anything, I would have never recognized him. His brown eyes were dull and lifeless, as if he hadn't smiled in a long time. He needed a haircut and shave, not to mention a bath and a few good meals. He had been thin before, but now he looked almost as bad as the pictures I'd seen of Holocaust survivors.

"Mike? What are you doing here?" I asked. I hadn't seen Mike since the divorce. Why would he come back now?

"It's my birthday," he said.

"I know that," I said. "How did you find out where I lived?"

He just shrugged. I had almost forgotten how stubborn he could be. I guess the least I could do would be to fix him something to eat. I had leftovers from Christmas dinner my mother had given me and Mike really liked Mom's cooking.

"How about something to eat?" I asked. "I was just about to fix something. Got plenty of leftovers."

"Thanks," he said. "Sounds good." He shivered slightly. "It's cold out there. Looks like snow."

"Probably will," I said as I pulled various dishes out of the fridge.

"I don't have a place to stay," he said. "I know I haven't seen you lately, but..."

I turned away from the fridge and looked at him. There was no way he could fake the desperation in his eyes. I did have an extra bedroom and the heat was working. What harm could it do? He had no other place to go. "Yes, you can stay here tonight, but only tonight."

He smiled and I saw a glimpse of the Mike I used to know, used to love. "Thanks a lot, Karmyn. I really appreciate this."

I just smiled. "The bathroom is down the hall on the right. I'll set out some clothes for you," I told him. I figured he would want to take a shower, at least to warm up. Maybe he would shave, too. He would look so much better. And then I could give him a haircut if he let me. It was the least I could do for him. Just because we were divorced didn't mean I couldn't help him.

Mike went down the hall to the bathroom while I prepared the food to put in the oven. For some reason I had never thought of before, I had kept some of Mike's clothes. It was just an old flannel shirt and jeans, but they were clean and warm. It would only be for one day.

I put the food in the oven and went to the bedroom to find the clothes for Mike. Just then the phone rang. I figured it was my mother or one of my sisters, asking if I had gotten enough black eyed peas. It's not easy having such a big family. I picked up the phone, fully expecting it to be family. Instead, it was Becky, the manager of the apartment complex. I didn't like Becky at all.

She was whiny and spoiled. The only reason she was manager was because her father owned the place.

"There was some weirdo asking about you earlier," Becky said in her whiny voice.

"What did he look like?" I asked Becky, although I already knew she was talking about Mike.

"Oh, he was tall and really skinny," she said. "Dark hair and a beard. Have you seen him?"

"Yes, I've seen him, Becky. He's in the shower right now," I said, smiling at the thought of how she was reacting to that. "His name is Mike and he's staying the night. Thanks for your concern." I hung up the phone before Becky could respond. That ought to give her plenty to gossip about.

I went to the bedroom and got the clothes for Mike. It was a good thing I was such a pack rat. I even found a pair of boxer shorts, black ones. My favorite. He always looked great in them.

Or out of them.

I gathered up the clothes and walked down the hall to the bathroom. I didn't knock, figuring he would still be in the shower and wouldn't hear it if I did knock. Or maybe part of me wanted to walk in unannounced. Either way, it happened. Mike was finished with his shower. He was finished drying off. He was naked.

It wasn't like I hadn't seen him naked before. After all, we had been married at one time. But we weren't married now. I didn't say anything, just handed him the clothes and walked out.

I sat in the living room, trying to forget what happened. It was harder than I thought it would be. Mike had been my first love, the only man I had ever been with. I smiled as I remembered conversations with my sisters when I had been married to Mike. They would say he was too skinny and I would tell them that he wasn't skinny where it mattered most. For some reason they thought this was hilarious.

I admit I didn't know much about sex before I met Mike. Like I said before, I didn't date. He taught me everything and I hadn't been with anybody since the divorce. I was getting lonely and the winter nights were so cold with nobody to hold me close.

Part of me still loved Mike and always would. Everybody knows all those cliches about first love. At least I did. I came from a family where people got married young after short engagements and stayed married. Divorce was hardly ever discussed and when it was mentioned, it was something scandalous, like the time Uncle E.C's wife divorced him while he was in the army and then married somebody else before the ink was dry on the papers. I was the first person in the family to get divorced since then.

I was so caught up in my thoughts that I didn't hear Mike enter the room. He was dressed now and looked a bit better. Maybe later I could give him a haircut, maybe even a shave. "I'm hungry," he said. "Is the food ready?"

I nodded and went to the kitchen to get the food. I made us both a plate, poured drinks and we sat down at the table to eat. We ate in silence for a few minutes, then Mike put down his fork and gave me a look that told me he wanted to discuss something important. "Why did you leave me?" he asked.

I set down my fork and stared at him, not quite sure how to answer the question. I tugged nervously on my shirt sleeves, hoping they were long enough to cover the scars. I tried to wear long sleeves when I went out anywhere. I didn't want anybody staring at me like I was a freak.

"You know what happened," I told him. "I couldn't give you the son you wanted."

Mike shook his head. "Had to be some reason other than that. You know what the doctor said. We could have tired again."

"I didn't want to try again, Mike. It wasn't meant to be. Why did you come back?"

"I wanted to see you again. I was thinking about what last Christmas was like. Remember that? I never had a Christmas dinner like that. I always wanted a family like that. Now I have nothing."

I had never seen Mike so depressed, not even after the accident. I didn't want to think about the accident. I just wanted the last year to disappear. I wanted to be happy again, to have my baby back.

I had hoped the scars would fade over time, but it had been two months and they were still very visible. Everybody told me I was lucky that I hadn't died. I didn't think I was lucky. If I was dead, then I would be with my baby.

We finished eating in silence. Nothing to talk about, which was rare for us. When we were married, we had talked about everything. Where had he been all this time? What brought him back here? Hopefully I would get the answers from him soon.

When we finished eating, I reached for his plate to take it to the sink. My sleeves had pushed up a bit. I moved to push it down, but he stopped me. He rolled up the sleeves, revealing the scars. He looked at my wrist and then up at me. "How did you get those?" he asked.

I didn't say anything at first. My family never talked about it, never even really asked me why I did it. I think deep down they blamed Mike for it, for everything even though I was the one that left him. My family is like that.

"What does it look like to you?" I said. "It's a suicide scar. Want to see the other one?" I rolled up my other sleeve and showed it to him. "It's been two months. Happened on Halloween. I would have died if my sister hadn't found me."

I continued telling him about that day. I had been depressed because it was Halloween, which would have been our first anniversary if we hadn't divorced. The knife was just laying there on the night stand. I'd had it for years and had just sharpened it. I had thought about it before, but had never tried it. This time I figured I had nothing to lose. I picked up the knife and cut my wrists. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. I watched the blood flow, wondering how long it would take for me to die.

I would have died if my sister hadn't stopped by. She wanted me to see the girls in their Halloween costumes before they went trick or treating. She found me, unconscious and bleeding badly. Luckily she had taken a nursing class in high school. She bandaged my wrists and took me to the hospital. If not for her, I would have died.

I hadn't tried it since then, but just in case my family kept a close eye on me. My mother called everyday and would visit a lot. I was doing okay. I was still alive, that was something. I just didn't think it was enough.

I was crying by the time I finished telling my story. I hated crying. It made me feel so weak.

Mike said nothing, just held me and let me cry. "It's okay," he whispered. "Nothing is going to hurt you again." Then he did something I thought he would never do again. He kissed me.

I had forgotten how good it felt to kiss him. When we had been together and I would be upset about something, he would kiss me and I would feel better. It still did.

All too soon, he ended the kiss and pulled away. "I'm sorry," he said. "I had no right to do that."

"No need to apologize," I told him. "I enjoyed it." I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair. It was so soft. "Stay and maybe we can work it out. Please?"

He smiled and took my hand in his. "Of course, sweetheart. I was hoping you would say that." He kissed me again and before I knew it, he was carrying me to the bedroom. It just felt so right. He was gentle with me, taking his time, bringing me to heights of pleasure I had forgotten existed. He was incredible.

For the first time in a long time I slept peacefully, with no nightmares of the accident that took my baby from me. In Mike's arms I was safe and loved again. I knew we could make it work again. I was willing to take another chance with Mike.

The next night was watch night service at church. Mike went with me, but first I made him shave and I cut his hair. He looked much better. I loved him so much.

After the service we talked to the minister. We wanted to get married again. Mike didn't really ask, it was just a mutual decision. It just felt right. He said as soon as we got a license, he would marry us.

That was six months ago. We got married and my family is very supportive. The baby is due on Halloween. Nothing will ever replace the baby we lost, but at least we have been given a second chance. True love never dies.